The Furious Spinner

Argh! I'm throwing out 21,000 words of my novel Blue Honey Clan. Yes, anything you've read is gone, gone, gone. 21,000 words of a young adult novel is a lot of freaking words. It is half the novel. Gone. All of it. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Now, normally if I decided to end it all (novelistically speaking), that's it. The novel is toast. But I really like these people and I like the idea. So I'm going to try, try, try it again. (This will be the third time. I threw out the first twenty pages once before.) I'm using the carrot and the carrot cake approach (or so Mario says). I will write x-amount of words and then reward myself with something. A movie. Something to eat. TV. Starting another different novel. We'll see. Right now, right this second, this is called stalling. Stalling because I don't want to start this again. Geez Louise.

What have I been doing otherwise during my absence? Not writing. Being depressed. Going to behavioral cognitive therapy. Doing the mindfulness-based cognitive therapy group. Trying to climb out of the hole. (But it's comfy in the underworld, even in it's a horrible comfort. No, not comfort. Familiarity. My neural pathways are accustomed to depression, so the depressive route is the one they want me to take.) Speaking of such things. I was at this mindfulness thing—where we're learning to be mindful. (Can you be mindful while doing several things at once or does one have to do one thing at a time to be mindful? I likes doing many things at once.) Anyway, we were asked why we were at this mindfulness group and I mentioned anxiety and depression, and someone said, "Depression is the big thing now. Everyone thinks they're depressed. Sometimes we just feel bad and that's okay." Now I wanted to mindfully bitchslap her, but I didn't. Instead I said, "Yes, it is okay to feel bad. There is a difference. I had my first depressive episode when I was eight years old." Long before it was freaking popular!

Popular. Depression being popular. Give me a break.

Sometimes people are so stupid. Although I didn't take her remark personally. Much. That's also part of what they're teaching us. How depression can screw up your cognitive abilities. Just because you think they're disrespecting you, just because you think they're after you, just because you think they're assholes...doesn't mean they are.

Doesn't mean they aren't either.

Okay, enough stalling. Part of creating new neural pathways is for me to write. I'm certain of it. If I'm writing, then something is okay in my world.

May You Write in Beauty, Darlin's!

Labels: Blue Honey Clan, mindfulness

All photographs and written material copyright © 2003-2008 by Kim Antieau unless otherwise indicated. May not be used without permission.