The Furious Spinner

We switched back on our TV service so I could watch When the Levees Broke. That's what I'm doing as I’m writing this.

I can't tell you all the little annoying, irritating, and stressful things that I've encountered in the last two and a half days. Well, maybe I can tell you a thing or two. I went to rent the place for the memorial. I fill out paperwork and I pay the money. But if you want to use the kitchen, you need to go someplace else and pay this amount. But when I get to the other place, they say I have to go back over there. Huh? Later back at home I learn that if I want to use a microphone at the place I rented for the service, I need to go down and pay more money. None of it's big money. It's not that. It's just all these things you have to do, all these places you have to go. And every little annoyance is magnified because I'm tired and stressed.

Then we got the local paper. The obit info was correct (although not particularly eloquent) but the editor had written a short piece on Linda. At the end of the piece, she put the wrong day for the memorial. Saturday instead of Sunday. So I went around town with a yellow highlighter to emphasize "Sunday." And I called a bunch of people and asked them to spread the word. Then a friend told me she had a place for Linda's sister and brother to stay when they came so I called her sister with the great news. Three minutes later my friend called and said, well, let me double-check. Argh. Someone called and said I'm sure you said Saturday, Kim. I say, it was always, always, always planned for Sunday. It's hard for me to imagine I ever said Saturday, but I'm tired and my brain is fried so maybe I did. But it's SUNDAY.

I spent most of the day on the phone. I HATE talking on the phone. And I was giving people bad news. I called Linda’s doctor, acupuncturist, massage therapist, and a few other people who hadn't been notified. Many people said they weren't coming to the memorial. I started worrying about there being a small turnout because so many people are on vacation. Ah well. Can't do anything about that.

All of this sounds trivial, I know. It is.

I went to the library this afternoon. As I was talking to one person about Linda, another woman who worked at the library said, "Linda is dead?" She looked as if she'd been punched. I said, "You didn't know? But Mario called and asked that everyone be told." The first person said, "We got an e-mail." Oh shit. The woman who was so upset had just recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. I tried to reassure her, explaining that Linda had had a different stage of cancer than she had. Etc. Sending out an e-mail seemed so insensitive—although I’m sure the person who sent it didn’t mean it to be insensitive. As I was reassuring the second woman, the first woman said, “What a good friend you’ve been to Linda.” She went on to talk about a movie she saw where someone was dying of cancer and that dying person was so insensitive and didn't seem to care about anyone else. I couldn't understand why she was telling me this. When I asked her, she said, "Linda should have been in a hospital or care center." "No," I said, "she wanted to die at home. That was her choice. And tell me, who was going to pay for it?"

Geez Louise.

I went home and said to Mario, "I'm not mad at you, but I am going to have to vent." So I did.

Ah well. I'm not sure I'm learning anything new about Katrina in this docu. But then I've read a great deal about it already. It is my opinion that historically Katrina will mark a turning point for the United States. The country's downhill slide picked up steam then, I do believe. I remember watching the disaster unfold on TV and on the internet and feeling so helpless.

More helpless even than when I was watching Linda suffer and die. Maybe. I watched Katrina and knew truly really completely how incompetent and venal our government is. I watched Linda die and had no great revelation or epiphany. It was just hard. Serena and I both felt bad that we weren't with her when she died. When I told Barbara this, she said a nurse once told her that her terminal patients often died when the loved ones had gone home for a break or to get some rest. As if then they were able to let go. That was reassuring.

I was going to write the memorial service tonight, but I’ve changed my mind. I'm going to lay on the couch and veg. I just realized that what’s missing from this process is that we haven’t been gathering to mourn Linda's death. Because Serena doesn't want people at the house, none of us have a place to go—a place to go where Linda lived and died. People can't bring food and comfort to a place. There’s no place to tell stories. It is a loss to us. We have lost our sense of community because we have no place to gather. That’s it. That’s why I feel so out of...place.

I was also thinking today that I know a lot of people who aren't very good with other people. How could I say that better? I seem to have lost some skill with words. I could say I know a lot of people with poor social skills. Almost everyone I know, actually. Is this what happens when community breaks down? People lose the ability to empathize? To get along? Is this a Pacific Northwest thing? An American thing? What?

Or is it just the people I know?

Who knows.

I'm not meaning to whine. I am so fortunate. I've got it easy, I know that.

Wishing you great joy! 8 comments

8 Comments:

wishing you peace and comfort Kim.

By Joy Renee, at 5:13 AM  

Wishing you peace in the struggle, Kim. I've been reading...well, lurking, actually, and I want to tell you how brave and lovely I think you've been. Linda was blessed.

By Feithline, at 5:32 AM  

Kim,
You were there for Linda. That is all that matters. You followed her wishes. You both were so fortunate to have had each other in your lives! Try not to let other people's comments get to you. They haven't worn your shoes or Linda's. As I see it you both were very blessed, and it is now ok to mourn.
Love, Becky

By Anonymous, at 11:50 AM  

I'm so sorry that Serena doesn't want anyone at the house. The lack of gathering place is a huge obstacle to the communal grieving that happens when one of our own dies. We do need to tell the stories to someone who remembers them; there is one person less now to carry them forward. Food, comfort, and touch are important for us at a time like this. I think that some of the problem is the pseudo community that the internet has created--we are used to supporting each other from a distance. At a time like this, the electronic mode is inadequate.We are becoming more skilled at expressing ourselves, but at the expense of interacting with, and sharing experiences with others.
I also want to reinforce the comment by the nurse that patients often die when they are left alone; even if for only a minute. I'm an ICU nurse and have seen the most diligent bedside vigils miss the actual death. Some people choose to die alone...sometimes I think it is to spare their family the grief. So please do not feel bad that she was alone.

By Deb, at 5:13 PM  

Hello all. I wrote a long response to all your wonderful comments last night and then it disappeared. The communication faeries are at it again. I appreciate hearing from you all. It means a great deal. I'll write more later. I've been hearing privately from many of you that your experience has been similar: that loved ones often pass away once they are left alone. On the one hand you think, well, let's never leave them alone. On the other hand, when the person is ready to go, then it's time to go.

By Kim Antieau, at 9:23 AM  

Listen love, you were there, and you gave Linda so much comfort - you were a true friend and soulmate, and you did just as she wanted you to. You brought each other such glorious gifts during your friendship, and you were such a blessing to each other - hers is a light that will never go out.

I wish there had been some way right afterward for everyone to congregate - this is a time when the community need to be together, to comfort each other and mourn as a group, to remember Linda and tell the stories of her life, to share food and celebrate her goodness.

Love, Cate

By kerrdelune, at 8:33 PM  

I just found The Furious Spinner yesterday and posted a message on June 22, 2004. I know that's forever ago and I'm not sure how blogs work. So not knowing if you'd ever see it I've copied and I'm reposting it here. I don't mean to be a problem and if am please forgive me but I don't know how else to do this. Dee
----------------------------

I wonder if it's possible to still post here, I see it's dated 2004.

I was thinking about Jeanne today and put a search in for "Birdy's Circle" and up came this article.

Like you, I was a friend of Jeanne's and do miss her still. I would love to find another Spotted Chicken or Birdy's Circle with a group of like minded women that subscribed to Jeanne's.

Ah well, I suppose that idea is too good to be true but I just wanted to say hi from one of Jeanne's old friends to another.

Dee

By chickenlittle, at 12:51 PM  

Thanks so much, Cate! That means a lot.

Dee--I get an email no matter what post you comment on. Blogger let's me know, so I got both of your comments. However, if you read this post you saw I was dealing with the loss of my best friend, so I haven't been writing back. (And I can't write directly to you because you don't have an email address on your page. If you want to email me, your best bet is to go to my website (kimantieau.com) and my email address is there. I think of Jeanne all the time. I've lost many dear friends in the last few years, and she was one of them.

By Kim Antieau, at 12:27 AM  

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