The Furious Spinner

I went over to Barb's today and Abby went a bit crazy on me, like dogs of old. When I drove up I could tell she didn't recognize me. She came up to me and I said her name and let her smell my hand. As soon as she smelled my hand, she started barking and jumping at me. I put my faery doctoring bag in front of me to protect me, and Barb came and got the dog and took her into the house. I was quite startled and perplexed. Barb wanted to bring the dog back outside after a bit, but since Abby had seemed very close to ripping me to shreds, I said no. People or animal: once they've lost my trust, it's very difficult to get it back.

Feeling way off-balanced again. It's these hikers getting murdered. Just now, at 2:00 a.m., I went outside to look for something in the car, and I was nervous. I hate that. All those old fears came roaring back. I've talked to several women in the last couple of days and gotten e-mails from readers who either have guns or had guns or empathize with my fears. So far I'm the only woman who goes on trails alone. This is a revelation to me. I can't be the only one. Anyone else out there? That's just fucking sad. I grew up hearing on the news and seeing in the paper stories of women being murdered nearly every day. The age of the psychopath. (And I lived an hour from Detroit.)

Bleck. I don't want to think about this.

And another friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's so angry. She said, "I did everything right!" I said, "I don't think it works that way." "I was exposed to pesticides as a child, but the doctor says that usually manifests as kidney and liver cancer." "Cancer is pervasive," I said. "Don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how you got it." (I should have just kept my mouth shut and nodded.) And I hugged her, said, "You're going to be all right. You're going to be all right." Anger seems such an appropriate response.

Bleck.

Linda called tonight to tell me she was able to eat today. Yeah! I'll go over there tomorrow and read Opal to her some more.

Did I mention I saw two hummingbirds at her house yesterday and many at Barb's today? I long to go out into the forest. But I know I'll see psychos everywhere. Plus the police have told everyone to be especially careful on the trails.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to go alone again?

I need to listen to the bees. I need to listen to something besides the sadness and fear in my own heart.

It's almost 3:00 a.m. I suppose I should try to sleep. I'm afraid of my dreams.

*sigh* 3 comments

3 Comments:

Speaking of going out on trails alone, Vicki at times rides her horse out on the mountain trails by herself. She carries a cell phone with her. Sometimes she ponys another horse with her. I guess she's not totally alone though. She takes our pit bull with her. But she's a pussycat. And small for her breed. Our three cats bully her around. But she IS a pit bull so maybe that helps. I feel better when she has someone with her, not only for protection but in case the horse acts up. So far, so good though. I think protective thoughts!

By  kevin, at 6:42 PM  

Kim, I hiked with a group of 9 others on Saturday, but most often I'm on the trails alone. As a woman, I naturally tend to stay a bit more cautious and alert, but not to the point where my enjoyment of being in nature is diminished. Here is a portion of an article about the family of the women who were killed on Mt. Pilchuck:

http://www.kgw.com/news-local/stories/kgw_071606_news_wash._hiker_family.1b627477.html

"...David Stodden, Cooper's husband, and his two other daughters, 24-year-old Elisa Stodden and 21-year-old Joanna Stodden, hiked to Boardman Lake.

"I distinctively remember how happy Mary was Tuesday morning when she had an opportunity to go out on a hike with Susanna," he said.

"We went to a lake nearby and Joanna and I went for a swim and it was a really beautiful day and it felt really important to go where we were afraid to go."

and...

" Elisa Stodden described her mother and older sister as "women who really valued compassion and forgiveness over anger and hatred and valued living life fully and passionately without any fears."

She said she hoped people would continue to enjoy the outdoors.

"Don't be afraid," she said. "Keep getting out there."

By  Anony Mous, at 9:27 PM  

Anony mous: I did hear what the family said, and I heard what the police said. However, I think it is reckless for the police to say it's perfectly safe when they don't know who did it or why. They say to be cautious. What does that mean? If someone is target practicing on human beings no precautions are going to be enough unless those precautions are not to be there. I don't think people should live their lives in fear, but unless the police know something we don't (and I hope they do), they cannot say there is no danger on those trails: we need to know what happened, why it happened, and who did it.

And, of course, as a community, as a society, we need to stop accepting this kind of behavior. I'm sick of us being a refuge (and perhaps a breeding ground) for every kind of psychopath.

By  Kim Antieau, at 10:36 PM  

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