The Furious Spinner

We just got back from Seattle, and I'm a bit worn out, so I'll write more later. Right now, I thought you might get a kick out of this short essay I wrote tonight. I'm hoping everyone will take it in the spirit in which it was written: with sacred humor.

Over the July 4th weekend, my husband and I traveled to Seattle so that he could take his citizenship oath. We went to a Mariners baseball game the day before. It was a good game, and in many ways, I felt like we were part of a kind of American tableau. Until the 7th inning. We all stood up in the middle of the inning, as usual. I prepared for the stretch and a rousing rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball game.” Instead, the announcer urged us to sing “God Bless America.”

I hadn’t been to a ball game for a few years, but I know “God Bless America” didn’t used to be part of the package. We had already sang the “Star Spangled Banner” at the start of the game. As the singer (who happened to be Canadian) belted out “God Bless America,” I started thinking about the recent trend toward PDR (public displays of religion) and wondered what I could do to kindly demonstrate to others that I found these PDRs offensive.

I was raised Catholic. We went to church every Sunday. We celebrated all the holy days. I said my prayers. I knew the commandments and abided by them. I took on the appropriate guilt. I talked to God (and understood that if he talked back I better run screaming to my parents in abject terror). During my entire childhood I never heard a single person in my family or any of our friends tell anyone they were Christian, and the words “God bless you” were used only after someone sneezed. If I had suddenly stood up and said, “I’m a Christian,” I’m sure everyone would have looked at me like I was an idiot.

Nowadays, every Tom, Dick, and Mary wants to tell me their religious predilections. “Hello, my name is Jane, and I’m a born-again Christian.” I never know what to say to that. “Well, good for you,” or “Oh, you believe in reincarnation, eh?” or “I’m a Satan worshipper. We’re kind of opposite twins, then, aren’t we?” None of those responses really work. (I know, I’ve tried.)

Anyway, the singer finished “God Bless America,” the baseball game continued, and I forgot about PDRs.

The next day we attended the citizenship ceremony. The speakers applauded the great contributions of immigrants, reminding the audience that nearly everyone in America was an immigrant and how America wouldn’t be the same without immigrants. It was moving and lovely. Then the PDRs began. The gospel choir did its rendition of “God Bless America,” singing the word “God” over and over, making it sound like a needle stuck was stuck on a scratched record. Nearly every speaker ended his or her speech with “God Bless you all.” I kept thinking, “What about the Muslims and Allah, what about the atheists and agnostics, what about the pagans?”

Mario said, "It feels more like a baptism than a naturalization."

Then and there, I had an epiphany. I could make my Christian brethren understand my feelings about public displays of religion by giving my own rendition of a PDR. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that I do have a religion. Let’s say I think the body is sacred. Which of course I do. Let’s say I think the vagina is sacred. Which of course I do. How could I not believe that the place I sprang from--that we all sprang from--is not sacred? On my birthday every year, I call my mother and thank her vagina by saying, “Thanks for having sex, Mom.” And she is so touched she is speechless, every single year, and cannot talk to me for a few weeks after because she is so moved. Or something. I only know she won’t answer the phone when I call.

Anyway, let’s say I’m a sacred vagina worshipper. I believe in the Sacred Vagina Way. I only discuss SVW with a few people because I don’t want to shove my religion down anyone’s throat. Some of my friends may have guessed. After all, I planted red poppies on a discolored V-shaped spot on my yard; I call it my vagina garden in honor of vaginas everywhere. I’m thinking of getting a little (red) vagina and putting it on a necklace that I’ll never take off.

As I’m talking about this, I think maybe the Christians are right. Talking about this is so liberating. I want everyone to feel as great about my vagina as I do. Maybe I should go around expressing my love for my religion and my vagina by lifting my skirt here and there for everyone to see. A kind of modern Baubo. We are sacred, after all, because we all came through a vagina. I’ll say to people, “I’m a Sacred Vagina worshipper. Born right the first time because I came through my momma’s vagina."

Think of it. Instead of singing “God Bless America,” my anthem could be “Vagina bless America.” No wait. That wouldn’t work. Too many syllables. I would have to use that other word that really offends people. The one syllable word. Not that it offends me. I know it’s a sacred word, derived from the Indian mother goddess Kunti. So I could belt out “Cunt bless America.” I like it. It sings for me.

However, I can feel hundreds of you out there cringing. You don’t like my Sacred Vagina Way?

Now you know how it feels.

Of course, I have a right to my PDR, (as do you) but I’m not going to force mine on you. I mean: WWVD? Vagina says, “Live and let live. And shut-up already.”

Because I swear to God if one more person says “God bless you,” I’m going to say, “Cunt bless you” right back at them.

It’s the Sacred Vagina Way. 10 comments

10 Comments:

Kim, this had me howling. Very funny and so true. CBY.

By  Mario, at 6:18 AM  

That's beautiful! Hey, I think "WWVD" is even better than (my personal favorite) "What Would Xena Do." I think I'll have to post a link to this in my own blog...

Vaginas united!

By  Laura, at 12:23 PM  

Thanks, Laura. A couple of people were a bit appalled by the post, but most (of those I heard from) thought it was funny. This is what I figure: over half of us have vaginas: "I'm here, I've got a vagina. Get used to it." Doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Ah well. Your photos are so much more clearer and crisper than mine. How do you do it? They're wonderful. I haven't been posting many photos lately because I've fallen out of love with iphoto. In fact, I despise it. It shuts down my computer and takes forever, so we're researching other photos programs to get for Macs.

By  Kim, at 11:37 AM  

Awesome! BJRD

By  GT, at 5:39 PM  

Kim, you just have a way with words...

This is such a great post, beside being funny as (should I say) hell, it is so true. I'm tired of hearing all the quasi religious blather too, especially since 99.9999% of it is from hypocrites who don't live by the principles they "believe" in.

I rejected religion once I got old enough to think for myself. Now I'm thinking again...WWVD? Maybe I'll join!

By  Steve R, at 10:17 AM  

Thanks, Steve. And you're welcome to join the Sacred Vagina Way! I think we should have bumper stickers made up: WWVD? Although I would love to wear a tiny red vagina around my neck--I just like the visual of that. :-)

By  Kim, at 11:29 AM  

NOW i A REAL BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN AND CONTRARY TO THE CONCEPT I WORSHIP THE GREAT MOTHER. I LOVE EVERY SINGLE PART OF HER INCLUDING HER BLESSED AND HOLY VAGINA. THE VAGINA IS THE SACRED GATEWAY TO ETERNAL ENLIGHTENMENT AND THE FIRST FAGINAL BLOOD IS THE BLOOD OF THE GREAT MOTHER THAT GLEANSES US FOR ALL STUPITITY AND THE HOST IS THE VAGINA THAT WE EAT EVERYTIME WE HAVE SEX.
MAY THE GREAT MOTHER BLESS YOU VAGINA

By  Anonymous, at 12:50 PM  

I just read your vagina bless America essay and I love it and I will use it some time in the future. right on for you.

By  Philip, at 2:14 PM  

Women are Great. I love and respect vagina. I believe they are superior to men.

By  Anonymous, at 9:03 AM  

I liked your blog. I agree with you that vagina is sacred and it should be honoured. I love the term Vagina Worship.

By  Anonymous, at 8:00 AM  

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