In times of old, The Furies protected Mother Right. If a mother (or any woman) was harmed, The Furies swooped down and took their vengeance. They were one of the last vestiges of a world that existed before the patriarchy. When we feel righteous anger, it is The Furies who are calling out to us to make what is wrong right again.

Friday, February 27, 2004

It's the Weather, Stupid 

The White House kept a recent Pentagon report under wraps for nearly four months before someone leaked it to the press. It wasn't about Iraq or Iran or any country on the "axis of evil." No, it was about the weather. According to the Pentagon, the biggest threat to the United States in the near future will not be terrorism but global warming which will cause catastrophe upon catastrophe upon riot. As I read about this report, I grew more and more terrified. We have these idiots in power who don't seem capable of doing anything to stop us from going over the brink and becoming part of an environmental holocaust. 0 comments

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Who to Root For Now? 

OK. The British reneged on their promise to free slaves who joined in their fight against the American colonies. (See my post below.) In fact, they often sold the slaves on the Caribbean slave market. So I'm certainly not rooting for the British as I read about the revolution. They also infected slaves with smallpox and then sent them to the American army—a kind of biological warfare. I'm rooting for the slaves, of course, but I know they are not freed for many decades to come. 0 comments

Mornin' 

Mario has gone back to work. Our blue car is not working. The wind has died down, somewhat, but it is raining. Clouds drift down low, hanging out with the snowy gorge cliffs. Music plays in the background. I can pretend all is well with the world. And maybe it is, right here, right in this moment. Ahhhhh.

I've been doing research on the U.S. revolutionary war for the piece on Martha Washington I told you about. I've had a very strange thing happen as I've been reading one of Martha's biographies: I find myself rooting for the English! This is extremely disconcerting. I'm not much of a nationalist, you know that. But I admire many of the ideals of this country, despite the flawed beginnings, despite the flawed actualization of those ideals. Yet I'm reading the early history of this country and rooting for the "bad" guys. It is difficult to find a reason to want the wealthy colonial slave-owners to succeed. The British offered the slaves freedom if they would help the British in their fight with the colonists. Meanwhile, the slave-owners killed any slave who tried to escape. Come on. Who would you root for?

Patrick Henry, himself a slave owner, got up and gave his famous speech, "Give me liberty or give me death" to a bunch of slave-owners. The incongruity of this statement was lost on the Americans but apparently not on the British. According Martha Washington's biographer Helen Bryan, in London, Horace Walpole said, "The souls of the Africans hang heavy on the swords of the Americans." The argument that these people didn't know any better than to own slaves does hold any water with me because many of them articulated their conflict over having slaves and many of them predicted a civil war would occur over this very issue.

Not long after the American revolutionary war, in 1791, 400,000 enslaved Africans in Haiti had their own successful revolution. In 1804, Jean-Jacques Dessalines declared Haiti a free nation. Today, "opposition" forces in Haiti are attempting to overthrow a democratically elected president. According to IndyMedia and others, this opposition is sponsored and funded by the U.S. Many believe Aristide has been unfairly accused and targeted by the mainstream media and the U.S. government. At least one prominent lawyer in Haiti is accusing the U.S. government of arming the anti-Aristide paramilitaries. Why can't the U.S. ever be on the "right" side of any dispute?

I'm sure you've all heard (ad nauseum) about Mel Gibson's new movie about Jesus. I was so irritated by the coverage that I wrote this piece which was published by Alternet. I thought this James Carroll essay was interesting, too.

Howard Stern has been booted from the air. I think Howard Stern's show is disgusting. I don't care for any of the shock jocks. They're misogynist, for one thing. However, silencing Stern feels a lot like censorship. I'm loathe to defend Howard Stern, but I will defend his right to be loathsome. If they're kicking Stern off the air for being vulgar and hateful, shouldn't they kick Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity off the air for being hateful, too? 0 comments

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Intolerable Cruelty 

Parts of this essay might seem familiar to Furious Spinner readers. I filched some of it from previous essays I have written about salmon. Mario is home sick for the second day in the row, so my energy is with him. I wrote this essay last weekend, and I thought you might enjoy it.

A recent study of farm-raised salmon revealed they contained alarmingly high levels of cancer-causing contaminants. Television news reports showed video of the farmed salmon in their pens, thousands of them pushing up against one another, unable to swim freely.

Seeing the fish in these crowded pens, I thought of the animal markets in Asia, where once wild animals are packed into tiny cages, unable to move, hardly able to breathe. It was from these animals, many scientists believe, that the SARS outbreak originated. This year, because of the bird flu, we got to see home movies of poultry farms where chickens were jammed into pens cheek by jowl.

In news reports about the bird flu, contaminated salmon, and SARS, no reporter once mentioned what was obvious to me: these living creatures were being treated with intolerable cruelty.

Why isn’t anyone talking about this? It could be in our own best interest to see that these creatures are treated better. You can’t put people in such crowded conditions without engendering an epidemic. Couldn’t it be the same with animals? Isn’t it probable that if these animals were treated humanely we wouldn’t have to worry about SARS and some of the other infectious diseases?

Farmed salmon are not spreading infectious disease, but they are consuming contaminated feed which stays in their tissues and is passed on to the consumer. Salmon are farmed because much of the wild salmon’s habitat has been destroyed, and they have been overfished. Many species are already extinct.

Salmon have been valued around the world for thousands of years. The Irish believed the salmon was the oldest and wisest of creatures. Irish poets crouched at the water's edge to be as close to the salmon as possible, hoping the mystical fish would imbue them with inspiration, creativity, the right words to make their poetry sing.

In the Pacific Northwest, $3.3 billion has been spent in the last two decades to save the Pacific salmon from extinction. For many people, the salmon represents the soul of the Pacific Northwest. Salmon are extraordinary creatures, shapeshifters, survivors supreme. Salmon change physically so that they can survive in salt water, even though they were born in fresh water. Later, they change again. They are first the color of gold, then red as dried blood.

What kind of disconnect happens to human beings so that it becomes acceptable to stuff animals into cages like feet are stuffed into too-tight shoes? What happens to us so that we think it is tolerable for magnificent creatures like the salmon to be put into pens for their entire life span, never free to follow their natural impulses to leave their spawning beds for the ocean, only to return years later, in defiance of Thomas Wolfe who said you can’t go home again.

I have watched salmon struggling upstream to spawn. I have participated in human celebrations where we welcomed the first salmon. Near to where I live was once Celilo Falls, the Great Falls, where Native people fished for 12,000 years before the Corps of Engineers built a dam in 1957 and drowned the falls. The grief over this act is still raw, and many people will not speak of it. The wild salmon runs have gotten smaller each year since the dam was put into service.

Many people say there is no value in saving salmon. How does one put a value on such a thing? Aren’t salmon valuable because they exist? Shouldn’t living creatures be treated well because it is the right thing to do?

This fall, I went nearly every day to a place called Eagle Creek to watch the salmon returning to spawn. I was recovering from an illness, and something about their tenacity inspired me. They flipped, flopped, wiggled, and leapt up this shallow stream determined to get to the spawning ground.

As days went by, the red salmon became white or black-red as they neared death. A huge salmon, golden blond in death, lay across the bottom of the stream, looking like one of those great fallen Roman statues. Sometimes salmon leapt into the air, and they were all motion and stillness at the same time. My knees buckled to witness the beauty of it all.

One day, I put on my rubber boots and walked down to the creek. I noticed rose-colored beads at the river's edge. I assumed someone's necklace had broken, and the beads had fallen into the clear cold water. They were different colors. Rose. Pink. Light orange. Perfectly round. Exquisite. Some were salmon-colored. Maybe even most of them.

Salmon-colored? I stood and looked into the middle of the creek. These salmon- and rose-colored pearls were scattered all over the creek bed. They were salmon eggs! How wonderful.

Watching my step, I waded into the shallow water. One salmon swam up next to me. Part of her flesh was falling off of her tail, and I could see her tail bones. Another fish, about a foot from me, kept turning on her side and wiggling. Then another salmon came and undulated over where she had been. I assumed I was witnessing the laying and fertilizing of the salmon eggs.

As I stood amongst these sacred creatures, I wondered if I was like one of the returning salmon, on my last fin, so to speak, or like one of those pearls of wisdom on the sandy bottom of the creek waiting for a new beginning. Were we all ending and beginning constantly?

The Columbia River once ran red with salmon. 16 million returned to spawn in the mid-1800s. Over the past quarter-century approximately 660,000 have returned.

According to the Sierra Club, the best thing we can do to save the salmon is to eat wild salmon if we eat salmon. Farmed salmon pollute; farmed salmon can escape and contaminate native stocks; wild salmon is better for us since it’s not as high in contaminants and it’s not injected with dye to make it pink.

I think the best thing we can do for the wild salmon and all the wild creatures is to treat them better. I, for one, will continue to crouch along riverbanks, listening for the wisdom of the Salmon and waiting for them to imbue me with inspiration and creativity.
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Monday, February 23, 2004

Fiddling 

We went to see Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. We've now seen all the "best film" nominees except Master and Commander. Yes, we're fiddling while Rome is burning, but it's been fun. I saw the first two Lord of the Rings on DVD. I wanted to see the third one in a theater. I think I like them better on the TV screen. All the gross stuff is really small on the small screen; on the big screen, it is really BIG and gross. I think I enjoyed the movie, although I was hiding my face a great deal of the time. I cried, I laughed, and I didn't fall to sleep. (It's over three hours long.) It is an amazing movie, and the three movies together are an incredible achievement. However, I don't know if someone could just go to the third movie knowing nothing about the other two movies and understand what's going on. Of the four nominated movies I've seen so far, Seabiscuit seems to hold together the best. As I said before, I know it's Hollywood hokum, but it's good Hollywood hokum.

Speaking of fiddling whilst Rome is aflame, Paul Loeb has a nice piece on what the hell Ralph Nader is doing. Norman Solomon talks about "Nader's Tin Ear" in this essay.

In case you were under the delusion that Bush, Cheney, Rumsfield, and Ashcroft are the only dangerous fruitcakes in this administration, check out Education Secretary Rod Paige. In a meeting with the nation's governors, he called the NEA, the largest teachers' union, a terrorist organization.

Here's another essay on why Bush went to war with Iraq. And this piece is called "Ashcroft's Subpoena Blitz." The title kind of says it all.

I have gotten a lot of letters about my immigration piece here and on Common Dreams, mostly people sharing their own immigrant experiences. But one person who is trying to help a detainee obtain his freedom said, "What I don't understand is why the American people are letting this happen. Why aren't people doing anything." I didn't have an answer. 0 comments

Sunday, February 22, 2004

You Read It Here First 

Commondream.org picked up my essay "Oh, You Mean Those Immigrants." But Furious Spinner readers got to read it here first! It's so nice to have some good news to share.

Wishing you the same! 0 comments

What Are You Thinking, Ralphie? 

Dear Mr. Nader:

I voted for you in 2000. Of course, I knew Al Gore already was going to get all the electoral votes in my state, so my vote was a protest vote. I believed there was no appreciable difference between the Democrats and the Republicans. I was disgusted with Clinton for his stance on gays in the military and for bombing Sudan, among other things. I was disenchanted with the Democratic party for handing us centrists who sounded like Republicans. So I voted for you.

I also assumed this country could stand four years of George W. Bush. I mean, come on; he wasn’t known as a go-getter. I didn’t think he could cause that much harm.

I was wrong.

But I did not blame you for Gore’s loss. I blamed Gore. I blamed the Democrats. I blamed everyone who had sat on their duffs for decades letting the right-wing whackos take over this country.

Now you say you are going to run again. You say you are running because there is no difference between the parties.

Come on, Ralph, look around. There is a huge difference. Like you, I thought the Dems and Republicans were all the same. But Howard Dean and Dennis Kucinich have reenergized the Democratic party. The progressives are standing up and being heard! Granted, Kerry has some huge problems. As far as I’m concerned his votes on NAFTA, the war, and the Patriot Act were wrong. I thought most of the Democrats were cowardly in their votes on the war and the Patriot Act. I swore I would never vote for anyone who voted for the war or the Patriot Act. But I’ve been watching Bush. Have you, Mr. Nader? Have you seen what Ashcroft is doing to our civil liberties? Have you listened to Bush’s administration lie and lie and lie?

Think about this: if a Democrat had been in office instead of Bush, we never would have gone to war in Iraq. Ashcroft would not have been Attorney General, so no Patriot Act would exist. Isn’t that a difference between the parties?

Have you seen what has been happening with women’s rights? Ashcroft’s Justice Department recently subpoenaed medical records of women across the country who have had abortion care. The Justice Department says that federal law doesn't honor confidentiality of the doctor-patient relationship. What the hell is Ashcroft doing snooping around in women’s medical records? Bush just appointed Bill Pryor, a rabid anti-women’s rights activist to the Eleventh Circuit federal bench. How can you say there is no difference between the two parties?

Do I need to get into what the Bush administration has done to the environmental protection laws of this country? These law now essentially don’t exist because Bush won’t enforce any of them. Do you think a Democrat would have done that?

You say it is your right to run. Of course it is. As my mother used to say, it’s my right to jump off a cliff but that doesn’t mean I have to! You want certain issues talked about. Well, can’t you talk about them without running for president? Why don’t you help out Dennis Kucinich’s campaign? Don’t the two of you have very similar platforms? Better yet, hire yourself out as an advisor to the Kerry campaign. Make him into a real progressive.

How can you run for president knowing that your act could be responsible for George W. Bush becoming president for another four years? Bush and his administration have launched a culture war in this country. They are determined to take away women’s rights to choose. They are determined to take the oil fields away from the Arabs. They are determined to do anything and everything to help big business thrive, to the detriment of the health, wealth, and welfare of the citizens of this United States. I believe they want us all to become compliant evangelical Christians, but maybe the last three years have made me paranoid.

I never thought I would see anything like the Patriot Act become law in our country. Do you know there are still people being held—detainees—without benefit of legal representation? People who have done nothing wrong except be immigrants belonging to a religion that is different from the religion of Ashcroft and Bush.

By stepping into the race, aren’t you essentially becoming George Bush’s running mate? His help mate?

Do you want that to be your legacy?
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Saturday, February 21, 2004

Mystics 

Saturday was cold but sunny, so Mario and I drove out into the woods. Our intention was to hike around Panther Creek, but the road out to this part of the Pacific Crest trail was covered in snow and blowdown. After we got temporarily stuck in the snow and ice, we parked the car and got out and walked.

We slipped and slid around fallen trees. The sound of water permeated everything. Snow melt was filling up the streams and rivers and creating new paths. We walked for a long time on this road that wound through second and third growth. It is not the same walking through a "forest" of new growth as it is hiking through old growth. In new growth it is quiet: an empty kind of silence. In an old growth forest you know immediately you are amongst elders. You participate in the hush that fills you with a kind of sacred or ancient silence. Nothing empty about this quiet. We knew the old growth was not far away, so we trudged through the snow and cold, knowing we would arrive soon.

We could hear Panther Creek. The trail would appear soon. Pioneers to this area called the huge blond cats they found panthers. This creek was named Panther Creek after an early settler watched a cat cross the creek using a log as a stepping stone. Today we call these felines cougars and mountain lions. Although I have never seen one on the trail, I have witnessed them crossing the road in front of my car, and I was awestruck each time. A thing of beauty. A huge thing of beauty. When I am hiking in these woods alone, I am aware of how small I am. I talk to the cougars all the while I'm walking, "Hello. I'm really not good to eat. Especially with all these clothes on. Yuck. Nice day, isn't it? I'm really too much trouble. Everyone says so."

Early settlers tell stories of the panthers who followed their children to and from school. Even the poet Rod McKuen who lived here forty or fifty years ago talked about the cougar that followed him to school. He thought they were great buddies. The children of the settlers apparently did not fear the giant cats. Their parents did, however, and as soon as they got wind of the mountain lions padding along beside their children, they killed the animals.

Most wildlife experts today, when told these stories, are not surprised. They say the cougars probably were not stalking the children. They are notoriously curious animals and probably just wanted to see what was going on.

Mario and I finally came upon the trail head. We stepped into the old growth forest. Hush. A deep green light. On the ground, all kinds of tracks left: deer, elk, coyote and/or dog, cougar. Yes, cougar, as far as I could tell. No visible claw or nail marks like with the canines. Wider pad.

We walked to the river. It rushed past us, pouring over a rock-strewn riverbed, on its way to the Columbia River. We paused for a time, then headed back. I pressed my face against an old cedar. How old? I wondered. Three or four hundred years. I used to ask these tree mystics to share their wisdom with me—give me some wisdom and healing, please—but no longer. At least not today. Today I only wanted to be with them, feel their presence. What a wonder it must have been to be alive all these years. I am a blip in your life. A kiss soon forgotten.

I liked that word mystic. It means "mysteriously symbolic; inspiring a sense of mystery and wonder." Trees have always inspired me. When I was a child, I named the woods behind our house the Lullabye Forest. I had names for each of the trees. My uncle sold the land when I was a teenager, and the new owners cut down most of the trees. To this day, I have no memory of the end of my forest.

I hugged the Mystic cedar tree. Then we retraced our footsteps back to the car. Crows called out as we left, like royal trumpeters announcing our departure. We bowed before we left the forest.

Later, we ate lunch. Afterward Mario went into the kitchen to do the dishes while I sat on the couch and meditated. I called him back into the living room, and he sat with me. Relaxing music played in the background while we held hands and sat together. I glanced over at Mario. His eyes were closed, his face calm and relaxed. I smiled. He was my mystic, too: mysterious and inspiring.

A while later, we drove to Vancouver to see Mystic River. We were trying to see all five of the pictures nominated for best film. I have not read the Dennis Lehane novel. It may be a marvelous book. I like the title. We did not like the film. I recognize people worked very hard on the movie, and I appreciate the creative impulse so much that I don't like to criticize art. But I didn't like the movie, and I don't understand why people have been raving about it. I have liked the work of all the major actors in Mystic River in other movies, but in this one, I kept catching them acting. The story is essentially a murder mystery. I wondered if the critics who raved over this watch television. I've seen lots of episodes of Law and Order (the original) that had better stories and better characters. I didn't believe a word of the movie.

Ah well. Afterward, Mario and I went and worked at the library for a while, then drove home in the darkness. As the car wound down SR14, I watched the road lit by our highbeams for deer or cougar. None crossed our path. Mario yawned and drove on. I leaned my head on his shoulder. He felt solid and secure. Like the old cedar. Only shorter. I smiled and closed my eyes. It had been a grand day, all around. 0 comments

Say It Ain't So 

You've all heard Nader is probably throwing his hat into the ring, so to speak, on Sunday. They say he will run as an independent. I hope it's not true. Nader still says there isn't a great deal of difference between Kerry and Bush. I used to believe that, but the last three years have proved me wrong: there is a difference between the Dems and Republicans. Nader points out that Kerry voted for the NAFTA, the Patriot Act, and the war. All true. I find all those facts difficult to reconcile, too. However, I don't think Kerry or Edwards would have ever introduced the Patriot Act or gone to war with Iraq. Bush has destroyed environmental protection in this country; neither of the major Democratic candidates would have done that. The list goes on and on! Prove your point a different way, Mr. Nader. Work with the Kerry and Edwards campaigns. Have them move more toward your position on things. Don't run for president! You can let Ralph Nader know how you feel by writing to him at info@naderexplore04.org. 0 comments

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Oh, You Mean Those Immigrants 

As many of you know, I am married to an immigrant who also happens to have the same last name as one of the most despised men in modern history. After 9/11, some immigrants were rounded up and thrown into jail without being charged or given access to lawyers. I worried that my husband was going to become a victim of this anti-immigrant fervor.

My husband, Mario Milosevic, was born in a Yugoslavian refugee camp in Italy. His father was Serbian, his mother Croatian. Before Mario was two years old, he and his young mother left Italy on a ship headed for Canada. Twenty years later, Mario traveled to the U.S. for the first time to attend a writing workshop in Michigan where he met me.

We fell in love and decided Mario would come and live with me in the United States. I was appalled at the questions he was obligated to answer on the many forms he had to fill out in order to become a legal U.S. resident.

“Are you a homosexual?” was one question.

“So what if you were?” I said. “That’s not against the law.”

“Are you a communist?” was another question.

“So what if you were!” I said. “This is the United State of America. It’s not against the law to be a communist!”

“Are you planning on overthrowing the government of the United States?”

What kind of fool would answer “yes” to that question? Of course my husband was not planning on overthrowing anything. He was Canadian, for goodness sake, and he was not political. I was incensed over the questions; Mario answered them without comment. He did not want to call attention to himself.

As a young man, Mario’s father had been a loyal communist in Yugoslavia where he worked as a police office. Someone who wanted his job accused him of being disloyal to Tito, and he was put into jail without being charged or given legal representation. After many months, no evidence was discovered against him, so the government released him. Enough time had passed, however, for Mr. Milosevic to become disillusioned with communism. Soon after he got out of jail, he found a boat and rowed himself across the Adriatic Sea to Italy.

Mario grew up hearing this story often, so he understood terrible things could happen if the authorities decided you were trouble. While applying for entry to this country, Mario did everything he was asked to do, and soon, he got his green card, and we were married.

Twenty years later, 9/11 happened. Suddenly even normally liberal people were talking about how the United State had to clamp down on the influx of certain kinds of immigrants. On an NPR call-in show where they were discussing the “detainees,” most callers said the detainees should be proud to be in jail if it was for the good of the country. I wondered how long the callers would be “proud” if they were thrown into jail without committing any crime.

I recalled the story of Eugenia Ginzberg, a loyal communist in Stalin’s Soviet Union. In her memoirs Ginzberg said she was vaguely aware people were being shipped off to the Gulag while she taught at university, but she assumed they had done something wrong to warrant such treatment. Then one day she was sitting on a train on her way to the Gulag. She knew the government had made a mistake in her case, but she was certain everyone else on the train was guilty of some transgression. Then she looked around and realized everyone on that train was thinking the same thing.

When we visited Canada a month after 9/11, I worried we might have trouble getting back into the United States because of Mario’s last name: Milosevic, the Butcher of the Balkans. Even though we had been told the name Milosevic in Serbia was as common as Smith was here, I was afraid the name might be on a list somewhere: beware the butcher of the Balkans. My mother even said to my husband, “Shave your beard. You look like a terrorist.”

Fortunately, nothing happened. The border guards let us come and go after only a question or two. I was relieved.

Several times since 9/11, I have been present when someone starts a harangue about the “problem with immigrants.” Once I was in the Southwest, and someone said, “They aren’t like us, and they take our jobs.” I pointed out that Mexicans had been in the Southwest for hundreds of years before Anglos, if that was the “they” this person was talking about, and the jobs they “took” were often jobs no one else would do. Plus, “I’m married to an immigrant.”

“Oh, well, I didn’t mean immigrants like him,” she said.

“Why? Because he’s European?”

A great deal of stammering ensued.

Another time someone said we “really need to be wary of immigrants. They come from different cultures, and they don’t understand our culture.” Again I said, “My husband is an immigrant.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean him.”

“Why? Because he’s white?”

“Well, he’s...Actually, I didn’t know he was an immigrant.”

I always end these conversations with, “All of us are immigrants on this continent or descendants, with the possible exception of Native Americans.”

That particular argument never wins me any points. We are here now, people say; so they need to adapt to our ways.
Whoever “they” are.

I am glad that so far Mario has not experienced any ill effects of the current anti-immigrant backlash. I often think of the nearly 800 people who were “detained” after 9/11, sometimes for months without access to lawyers or contact with their families. Nearly 500 of them have apparently been deported. How many are still detained? How do they feel about the United States now?


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Anniversary of Executive Order 9066 

Sixty-two years ago today, President Roosevelt signed into law Executive Order 9066 which essentially took away all civil rights from Japanese Americans and forced more than 110,000 into internment camps.

United for Peace and Justice reminds us that "the similarities with today are striking. Under the guise of the 'war on terrorism,' the Bush administration uses the tragic events of September 11th to impose the domestic and international agenda of powerful, right-wing forces, including an assault on new immigrant communities. While their policies threaten the civil liberties of all, people of color bear the brunt of the domestic impact of the Bush administration's empire building agenda. From secret detentions and deportations of immigrants, to increased racial profiling, to cuts in social programs alongside massive increases in military spending, the war is expanding the scope and depth of racial injustice within the US."

I live near Hood River, Oregon, where many Japanese Americans lived before the executive order. Many lost their homes, land, and orchards. We had a program at the library a couple of years ago where area Japanese Americans came and spoke about their experiences during that time. It was heartbreaking. I asked them if the Patriot Act and the obvious anti-immigrant sentiment in the administration (and from many citizens) reminded them of what happened to them. They all agreed it was alarming, and they hoped we, as a country, had learned from the terrible mistake of Executive Order 9066.

United for Peace and Justice urges peace groups to incorporate immigrant rights into their agendas. "To build the broad-based, powerful peace and justice movement we need, it's critical that anti-war activists incorporate work against the domestic impact of Bush's agenda into our efforts and work closely with communities of color taking on this agenda. A major piece of that involves standing up for immigrant rights."

Here are some suggestions from UFPJ on how you and your peace group can help with immigrant rights issues:

•LEARN MORE. United for Peace and Justice has just launched a new section of our website that includes information on the most pressing immigrant and civil rights issues. Please read the information on this link and share it with other members of your group. We also strongly encourage you to invite an expert on immigrant rights from one of your local immigrant rights organizations to speak at your group's next meeting.

•PARTICIPATE IN THE FEB. 20 NATIONAL DAY OF SOLIDARITY WITH MUSLIM, ARAB, AND SOUTH ASIAN IMMIGRANTS. Join the Blue Triangle Network and dozens of other organizations in a national day of solidarity to resist the scapegoating and criminalization of Muslim, Arab and South Asian immigrants! Take action and speak out on February 20th, 2004 as part of the National Day of Solidarity with Muslim, Arab, and South Asian Immigrants!

•OPPOSE THE CLEAR ACT. The Clear Law Enforcement for Criminal Alien Removal Act of 2003 would demand that local law enforcement agencies enforce federal immigration laws. Its passage would mean that immigrants could become afraid to approach the police—whether for protection from crime or to report suspicious activity—because the police could deport them or their family members. And state and local police departments are not trained and do not have the resources to enforce immigration laws. This act would encourage racial and religious profiling, leading to a greater number of civil rights violations. You can add your group's name to a growing list of Organizations that oppose the CLEAR Act by emailing the National Immigration Forum at ltramonte@immigrationforum.org.

•SUPPORT THE TACO BELL BOYCOTT. Another way that immigrants are oppressed is through sweatshop working conditions. Employers are taking advantage of this post 9-11 environment, where immigrants know they're easily subject to deportation, to intimidate workers and discourage them from exercising any of their rights. The Coalition of Immokalee Workers (CIW) is a group of over 2,500 immigrant farm workers who are spearheading a boycott of Taco Bell. Taco Bell is the one of the primary purchasers of tomatoes in South Florida. Immigrant farmworkers must pick and haul nearly 2 tons of produce to make $50 in a day. They face systemic harassment and violence at the hands of their employers, including documented cases of forced labor. Until the tomato pickers in Florida are assured fair wages and better working conditions, CIW is encouraging everyone to boycott Taco Bell and to actively seek the removal of Taco Bell restaurants from school campuses.

My husband is an immigrant to this country. I'm sure many of you either are immigrants or have friends and family who are. When we stand up for one, we are standing up for all.

May you Walk in Beauty.
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A Woman Rain 

Yesterday was a good day. During the breaks in the rain, I walked. In the bare trees near the library when I went to meet Mario for his break, robins perched. And they sang. That throaty, watery robin song. I see robins here nearly all winter. But I don't hear them. This was the first robin song of the year. Whenever I see robins I think of my childhood home in Michigan where I awakened and fell to sleep to the song of robins. I also think of Robin Goodfellow, the god of the witches—Robin Hood, that fairy of the forest who did what he needed to do to protect the forest. I see a robin and I am reminded I must protect the wooded places. In times past, villages always set aside wooded areas, protected them from harm. These were Robin's places.

At home again, I picked up a magazine and opened it randomly. It was a section called "On Healing." The author of the article, a follower of Zen, said that we are whole (the root of the word "heal") even when we are sick. "What needs to be healed is our idea that we are not whole at this moment." I have heard this many times before: that I must accept myself the way I am. Ill or well. I never understood it before. But today, today, I understood. I am perfect just as I am at this moment. This revelation left me giddy.

I turned on the television and George Bush was talking about something. I didn't listen. I watched him. Compassion washed over me. Compassion for George. I realized I didn't hate him. I wanted him out of office, but I didn't hate him. This, too, made me giddy. It felt almost subversive not to hate him.

Later, twilight fell and so did all the rain the world has ever known. Or so it seemed. In the Amazon, they call this "woman rain," because "a woman can cry all day." After dinner, I wrote for an hour. I started a new novel, The Virgin Whore. (I'm not sure about that title. Mario likes it. What do you think?)

As the rain fell and music played in the background, this is part of what I wrote:

The jungle was like something in a dream, if you were an old dreamer. If you’re a new dreamer, you won’t understand. Which are you? Do you know? You will have to choose sides. That is the way of it. The land that became jungle reached up and out. Yes, like fingers, I suppose, only the jungle was first. Perhaps we grew fingers because we had seen these trees, vines, bushes, grow up and out, twining around each other. Clinging, sucking, breathing, gasping with the sheer pleasure of the contact.

Ah, you think I am one of those sentimental ones who claim the Earth is alive. I make no such claims. I do not need to--because we know. Of course the land is alive. Of course our dreams, our lives, are recorded in the cells of those plants, those fingers. But I do not sentimentalize it. I do not imagine it pastoral, like so many of those who have come before. It was not an English garden.

It was a place out of a dream. Until the Patron came. Maybe before. You think because I have said that that you know what side I am on. Some of my people to this day defend the Patron, say he was a savior to us. Are they wrong? We were in such poverty, they say.

What is the definition of poverty? We did not have toilets in our homes. We did not have jobs. Sometimes we went to sleep with empty bellies. To some this is poverty. But we did not want to defecate in our homes. And what are jobs? We made our living, our lives, in the jungle. The forest. The land. They do not use the word jungle any longer. Rainforest, they say. Still? I wonder. It no longer rains as it once did. And what can we say about the forest?

I can not speak of that. Not yet. I must tell this story first, and it will tell the story of the other.

How could we be poor when we could hear the rays of moonlight falling from the canopy, from this leaf to that vine to this branch? Heard it all the way down until it hit the forest floor, softly, cushioned by all that had fallen and died before. Cushioned by the other moonlight beams that had come this far before.

How could we be poor when we felt the breath of the Jaguar on our faces? Ahhhh, the Jaguar said. And we breathed in her relief, her wild nature. Ahhhh, we replied. What can we do for you? Dream, she exhaled. Dream.

How could we be poor when the Encantados, the pink dolphins, tickled our fingers left dangling in the Mother River for only a moment, a dangerous moment which could have left us fingerless--like all those dreamless lands--but a dangerous moment we were willing to dance through on the chance that one of the dolphin people touched us? Beware, our mothers said. They will steal your heart and take you to their enchanted city. Beware, our fathers said. They will eat your women. And by that, they did not mean like we eat our dinner. Not devour.

Tell about her, you say. You cannot stand my weeping. I understand. Even in my dreams, I cry. Could it be different? If I tell this tale, will it all be different?

You have heard her legends. Myths. Stories. You want to know which one is true. How can I tell you? You haven’t answered the question. What kind of dreamer are you? Can you take in what I tell you without trying to control it? Can you accept the dream?

Can you accept the waking?

Ahhhhh.

***

Still later, music played and the woman rain fell. Mario sat on the couch reading Laura Pritchett's collection Hell's Bottom, Colorado. I sat next to Mario. Suddenly, I felt comfortable. I never feel comfortable. I am always squirming, moving, trying to refit myself into my body so that I have some comfort. Suddenly, last night, I was comfortable. I listened to the music and the rain, and it was perfect. I glanced at my beautiful husband, and he smiled. Being with him is always perfect. I was happy. Completely in the moment. This was bliss. For a second—but only a second—I realized I had not felt this way for a long, long while. It had been raining in my soul forever. But not tonight. Not tonight.

Ahhhhh.

I leaned over and kissed Mario on the mouth. "This is wonderful," I whispered. "Yes," he said. I rested my head on his shoulder and put my hand on his chest.

I breathed in perfection. Breathed out bliss.

In the morning, the rain had stopped.

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Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Just Shoot Me Now...Not Really 

My Alternet.org piece "A Hysterical Librarian" is getting some play on the net. Lots of places linking to it. This is very cool. I was startled, however, to find Triggerfinger.org had linked to it. This is a pro-gun site. If they only knew. Pro-gun people believe they have an affinity with librarians because we are fighting for civil liberties. They believe they are also fighting for civil liberties when they are defending the second amendment. I picked Mario up from work because it was pissing down pouring down rain. He told me I was on this pro-gun site and laughed all the way home. All the way into the house, he laughed. I should have made him walk home.

I said, "I have nothing in common with a bunch of gun nuts. I won't defend their right to own an assault weapon!"

"Not all gun nuts are pro-assault weapons," Mario reminded me.

"What do gun nuts want then?" I asked. My voice was probably fairly irritated.

"Well, remember so-and-so. He was pro-gun, but he didn't like assault weapons. He just wanted to hunt."

"Ah, nobody is trying to take away anyone's rifle!"

"Slippery slope. Just like librarians worry about the slippery slope, so do gun nuts. You take away their assault weapons you'll be coming after their hunting rifles next."

"Well, we can slip down that slope all we want. I don't have anything in common with gun nuts."

In case you haven't figured it out, Mario is still laughing.

Time for dinner. We've made quinoa with peas, cole slaw, carrot/celery juice and some dead things. Yes, two beings were harmed in the making of this dinner, but none of them were killed from gunfire. (Wild salmon and the rest of an organic roasted chicken we had on Sunday. Yes, I'm eating dead things. I'm worshipping at their dead feet or fins before I eat them, but I'm eating them.) We made an apple pie, too. That's for later, gators.
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Rainy Days 

It's been raining for eons. An eternity. Some of the water pouring down the hills and cliffs has turned color. Clear water usually doesn't cause problems. Once it turns color, however, particularly soil-colored, trouble is brewing. It means the land is being eaten away by water and landslides are usually inevitable. We'll see.

Stephen King was recently given the Distinguished Contribution to American Letters Award at the National Book Awards. Some people have protested this award, saying, in essence, that King isn't a "real" writer. His acceptance speech was eloquent and moving. Had me crying through most of it.

You want to hear some good news? Here's the Top Ten Good News Stories of 2003 focused on the Muslim world.

Women in New York were handing out the morning-after pill, protesting the fact that women have to go to a doctor to get a prescription for these pills. (I feel the same way about my asthma medication. Why do I have to go see a doctor? I know what I need.) I resent the patronizing way the medical industry treats us, so brava, sisters. Brava!

George Lakoff has some interesting observations about the words "gay marriage." He reminds us that we can constantly "reframe" the discussion. If someone tells us they are against gay marriages, we can say, "I'm for equal rights for everyone. Period."

Here's a whole slew of articles about (mostly) alternative films. Mario and I have a tradition of watching the Oscars. Now we primarily do it because it is a tradition. Lately we've been inviting people over, so that we can make fun and jeer and cheer with a group. That's mildly entertaining. In the end we generally say, "Well, that's four hours of our lives we'll never get back." And this year they've changed the date. It's a month ahead of when it usually is. That's just messing with the laws of the universe.

This year we've seen some good movies, although I'm not sure I'll be able to remember any of them. I really liked Seabiscuit. Yes, it's Hollywood hokum. I don't care. I enjoy seeing losers win. Gives me hope. We also enjoyed Lost in Translation. Some of the party scenes ran a bit long, I thought, but other than that, I liked it.

Shattered Glass was the true life story of a reporter for the New Republic who made stories up. The actor who played Glass did an amazing job. It was very well done, very gripping, but it could have been a TV movie. Lately I find there are movies I'm glad I saw at the theater, and others I wished I'd seen at home. I'm not sure what the difference is: perhaps special effects. Perhaps it's the bigness of it. I don't like going out to the movies like I did when I was younger. I don't like crowds. I don't like the noise or those awful violent previews. What can I say?

We enjoyed The Station Agent, too, but could have just as easily enjoyed it at home. A man, who happens to be a dwarf, inherits an old train station. He becomes (reluctantly) friends with a man and woman in the small town where the station is, and the movie is about their relationships.

Stone Reader was fascinating. Mark Moskowitz decides to track down the author of the novel Stones of Summer, Dow Mossman. Stone Reader is his documentary about this process. We learn a great deal about the books he reads—very macho list; I don't think he knows women write, too. He keeps asking the question, "What happened to the author?" He doesn't seem to understand that writers have to eat, they have to make a living, and what most often happens to writers who disappear is they had to quit writing and get a job. Which is essentially what happened to Dow Mossman.

We've seen a gizillion movies at home. We don't remember most of them. They go right out of our brains. I saw The Hours in 2003, but I can't remember if it was in the theater or at home. In any case, I thought it was amazing. The other film Streep did last year, about the orchid hunter, was horrible. Yuck. I've blocked out the title.

OK. It's the crack of dawn. I'm going to try and sleep again. Have a great day. May you Walk in Beauty...and stay dry!


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Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Interview With James Frenkel  

Last fall we posted interviews with writers Patricia Monaghan and Michaela Roessner. Today we're pleased to publish this wonderful interview with James Frenkel, Senitor Editor at Tor, who will give us a view from the other side of publishing.

K.A.: You are most well-known as an editor now for Tor as well as publisher and editor of Bluejay Books. You've been an editor for thirty years. I've always wondered how one comes to be an editor. Did you have other editors you looked to for inspiration? Did you want to follow in the footsteps of Max Perkins, Diana Athilll, Robert Gottleib, John Campbell, Herbert Gold, Judy-Lynn Del Rey? Could you share that process of becoming an editor with us?

J.F.: I became an editor in 1971—well, I started in publishing then, as an editorial assistant, which is generally how one becomes an editor. As for inspiration, I guess I was at first just trying to make a buck so I could afford to write and get an apartment. Then I discovered F. Scott Berg's fascinating biography of Maxwell Perkins, and decided that I wanted to be like that.

There's no one way one goes about working, as an editor; every book is different, and so is every author. Obviously, certain things hold true for most fiction in terms of grammar, story construction, narrative consistency and the like, but I can't say that any of the editors you mention was a template I tried to emulate. All of the ones you mention (the ones whose names I recognize—don't know of Diana Athill) have strengths I like. Judy Del Rey's editing I don't know that well. She was a great publisher, though, and editors have to learn to think like publishers.

I learned about editing on the job, which is how most people learn it, I bet. It's a lot like being an English major. You have to read carefully, try to understand what the author is doing, or trying to do. In a way, it's kind of strange at first, because as an English major you read mostly very good stuff, whereas as an editor, especially starting out as I did, in a house that published a lot of mass-market fiction that wasn't necessarily very well written (though some was), you're in the situation of having to be more critically acute in terms of: "What is the author trying to do, and can he or she actually accomplish it?"

I have had mentors, several. My first boss, Agnes Birnbaum, at Award Books, taught me a lot about the basics of procedure, production, and negotiation. Wendy Freborg, also at Award, taught me even more about the techniques of tracking production, dealing with tie-ins (which I've done throughout my career, and which, despite the sometimes horribly complicated wrinkles, I find fun for the most part). Wendy also gave me her copy of Words Into Type, which I kept until one of my interns a few years ago borrowed it and somehow forgot to return it, for which I will never forgive that intern, if I ever lay my hands on her again. Good thing I don't hold grudges. It was an old copy, though, and while it had sentimental value, a fair amount of it is now probably somewhat anachronistic. Oh, well.

I also was mentored by Harriet McDougall and Tom Doherty, for whom I worked at Grosset & Dunlap's YA Tempo Books imprint for a bit more than a year. It was, at the time, the most physically demanding job I'd ever had, except for when I put food on airplanes at Kennedy Airport one summer. I pretty singlehandedly edited and did the editorial production work on about 120 books in little over a year. Before you gasp and start to laugh in disbelief, let me explain. A fair number of those books had no real text inside. There were crossword puzzle books, comic-strip compilation books, and some other text-light books. But there were also non-fiction sports books, including one that I think we all still have nightmares about because of the incredible sloppiness of the text; there was a set of Astrology books, which had to be done on-time or not at all, which I handled with the grateful thanks of Harriet, who was my direct boss.

There were TV tie-in novels—Happy Days and Welcome Back, Kotter. I did an unauthorized edition of Thackeray's Barry Lyndon to tie-in to the Kubrick film. We did a CB-Radio book in a month—to beat the competition; we all had to work our fingers to the nub on that; then I did the Canadian edition by myself.

There was more, but I think you get the idea. But it wasn't so much the number of books I edited that was educational. What happened at that job was that Tom Doherty talked to me, as he did to all of us, and Tom was, as he still is, an incredible font of information, wisdom, common-sense, and flat-out publishing brilliance. He's probably more responsible for my success as an editor than anyone else. He taught me that the sales and marketing departments were our friends, not enemies to be feared and loathed, which had been the case at Award Books. At Award, if I went to the sales department, people would ask me, "Why?" Which happened a few times. I guess I was stubborn, and determined to try and get answers, like, "How many copies of this author's last book did we sell?" The sales manager was very grudging with that information. To this day I'm sure that he was afraid that somehow I was planning to use the information against him. How, I don't know. I'm not paranoid enough to figure that out.

But Tom showed me by example and in many conversations with him and others involved in sales, inside the company, and outside, with booksellers, that if an editor didn't know how books were sold, he might as well be working completely blind. Which makes a lot of sense, but nobody had ever volunteered to share this information with me before.

Tom would take me (not just me, but it was my turn) with him to meet with the editors of school bookclubs, and we would pitch various books to them, pretty successfully. They were nice people, smart, and eager to find books kids would read, and as a YA paperback house, we had a lot of books they could take, including the TV tie-ins, some of the sports biographies we did, and some of the comic-strip books, like Broom-Hilda, Hagar the Horrible, and Heathcliff, for example.

Tom also took me with him to visit wholesalers and jobbers, which was wonderful experience, because it introduced me to a side of publishing and distribution that I never would otherwise have seen.

And Tom had been in the business for more than a decade before me, probably more like fifteen years, including the time he spent as the Pocket Books sales manager when the Lord of the Rings was published by Ballantine . . . and distributed by Pocket Books. Altogether, he was, and is, a wonderful person to talk with about publishing, and I've been lucky to work for him. When I left Tempo in 1976 to work for Dell Books, he told me I should observe carefully, learn as much as I could, and he'd hire me back for more money sometime later. Well, as it turned out, it took more than a little while before he actually hired me again, but it was for a lot more money, and I've been very happy at Tor.

Oh, and when I left Tempo for Dell, Tom set up a lunch with me, him, and Bob Avery, a sales manager at Dell, so that I would have a good contact in the sales department there and be able to get information from sales, have a good working relationship, etc. That was something I've never forgotten. I can't think of another boss who would have done that.

I learned a lot about editing from Harriet, who's been a Tor editor since the company was started, and who brought in, among others, Robert Jordan. Harriet had been around for awhile, and she was and still is an extremely able and sharp editor, both for content, and on the line level. I remember when we were working on a project in which the author needed to instill fear in the reader. Harriet pulled out a copy of Fellowship of the Ring and turned to a passage that fairly oozed terror. Right there was the lesson, quickly and effectively delivered. She was great at things like that. At Tempo we were all overworked, simply because there were just a few of us, just four when I got there, then a couple more in the next months. And we were increasing the sales of the line just about every month, doing more different kinds of books, and selling more copies of our backlist titles as we went. It was nerve-wracking, exciting, exhilarating, exhausting . . . and unforgettable.

The last really important mentor I had when I was a young editor was Donald R. Bensen. Don was an editor who worked at Bantam when he got out of college in 1950, and then worked for Pyramid from about 1957 to 1965 (which became Jove in the 1970s), where he rose to editor-in-chief, and where he ran the science fiction line. He later worked at Berkley (where he edited the second Dune novel, among others), and when I met him, in 1973, he was at Ballantine, editing various books, including the Beagle Books ya line. I was introduced to him by one of my writers, Leonore Fleischer, who also was a Ballantine editor at the time. Leonore wrote movie novelizations for us at Award, and I had recently moved up to being an editor, after being an editorial assistant for about a year. Leonore, who wrote novels like Enter the Dragon for us as "Mike Roote" recommended Don to me as someone else who could write tie-in novelizations for us. He did, but he also impressed the hell out of me because he seemed to know so much about publishing, from the editorial side.

But I got to know Don much better when, in 1976, I started at Dell Books and was asked to edit, among other kinds of books, science fiction. (I was also editing the westerns line, and buying reprint rights to hardcovers published by various other publishers. This was when reprint rights were still extremely important to paperback publishers.

Don Bensen was, by this time, a consulting editor for The Dial Press, for the Quantum Science Fiction line, which had been announced, but which hadn't published any books yet. I had been unaware of this line when I started at Dell, but shortly after starting, I was introduced to James Wade, the editor under whose imprint at Dial this program was to be run. Don and I, having worked together before under different circumstances, got along very well, and we became a very effective editorial team. Once I was there, Don and I conspired to convince the Editorial Board of Quantum, Isaac Asimov and Ben Bova, to let us buy various books by a lot of young and some not-so-young SF authors: John Varley, Spider Robinson, Gordon R. Dickson, Gregory Benford, Orson Scott Card, Joan D. Vinge, and later, a novel by Bova himself, when he was no longer on the editorial board.

And then a wonderful thing happened. While we were getting Quantum up and running, with only two or three hardcovers (to be reprinted in Dell SF paperbacks) per year, I was running the Dell SF line. One day my boss, Editor-in-Chief Bill Grose, took Don into his office and discussed the Dell SF line. Apparently, what I was doing was starting to work. I was simply applying what I had already learned under Tom Doherty and in my first job to the Dell line, and started to buy books from authors who I thought were more appropriate to the market than the authors that Dell had been buying before. The previous editor had decided that Dell's SF should be aimed at "readers who don't usually read SF". An interesting concept, and if done just right, it actually might work, in a strange way. The books that worked were The Illuminatus! Trilogy.

But it's hard to make that kind of splash with everything, and a lot of what was in unpublished inventory when I got there was not especially saleable. But there was some good backlist, and I started to reissue good books by Michael Moorcock, Gordon R. Dickson, John Brunner, and others, as well as buying new books by up and coming writers like Greg Bear, Diane Duane, Jeffrey A. Carver, and others.

My boss asked Don Bensen what he would do if he were running the Dell SF line. And bless his heart, Don told him that if he were running it, he'd keep me on to be the in-house editor, while he, Don Bensen, consulted, bringing in some of the authors he'd worked with before, like Philip K. Dick, Theodore Sturgeon, and other pretty good people.

Well, my boss went for it, and once Don saved my job, I was there for five years, and we published some really fine books. And I got to watch Don write cover copy, amazingly good, fast, perfect cover copy, which helped me learn how to write better copy myself.

And Don generally took me under his wing and shared all sorts of editorial knowledge and tricks and techniques with me, making me feel at first extremely ignorant, and gradually making me feel as if I was starting to understand things I hadn't even suspected I should know—about publishing, and about many other things as well. He was, like other people who mentored me, very generous with his time and knowledge, and I've never forgotten that, either his help, or the help of others who have taught me over the years.

Because of such people, I've always felt that anyone who is in a position to mentor those younger or less experienced in publishing really has an obligation to do so. The better the professionals in publishing understand the publishing process in all its facets, the better books are, and the better they're published. It's a win-win situation. Also, it helps weed out those who aren't really passionate about publishing, which is good, because this is a business that doesn't really work very well unless there's passionate commitment involved by the editors. It's not the easiest business in terms of making a lot of money, but the other rewards are great, if one is interested in books as a life.

I am sure that almost all young editors make the mistake that I know I made early on, of assuming that if an author had talent, he or she could fix mistakes, tighten up, upgrade, improve the story so that it worked the way it should . . . which is not nearly always true. A friend in England tells a story about Alastair Maclean, the very popular author of many action/adventure novels. At the house that published Maclean in England, the newest editor, the one who they gave the "football" books to (soccer to us), also got to edit Maclean. . . . Only the old man was set in his ways, and just didn't want to be edited after a certain point in his career, and it didn't matter what the young editor thought—and they all thought, "Aha! He's got flashes of the vintage stuff in here; I'll work with him, inspire him to get it to its full potential." And it just didn't happen.

But aside from that, every writer has strengths and weaknesses, and some kinds of weaknesses are harder to recognize and strengthen than others. It's just not the sort of thing that always works, and part of being a good editor, and one of the things that I think only experience and good sense gives you, is the judgment of what is and isn't worth trying to fix.

K.A.: Is editing a creative process for you? In times past, editing was more of a collaborative process. Now it seems editors are often the "middle" person between the writer and the publisher, almost acting in the role of agent. Many times the editor doesn't do any actual "editing" of a manuscript. How do you "edit" these days? Have your duties as an editor changed significantly over the years? What does an editor do?

J.F.: Editing certainly can be a creative process for me. I do as much work with authors as I ever have. Also, I'm fortunate that I now work with a lot of very talented writers, many of whom actually welcome intelligent feedback from their editor.

Editors always have been and always will be middle-men as well, however. It's never been any other way, and I don't see the analogy to agent. A good editor advocates for his books in house to get them attention and good treatment. Which is not to say it always works out the way one wants it to, but it's part of an editor's job to go to bat for his books.

As to what an editor does, that's a very long bit of writing to put down. Let's just say that if you made an analogy to a different kind of business, one that produced a number of different products, you'd call an editor a product manager. The editor is responsible for coordinating efforts of many different departments for his books. He isn't the boss of any of these departments, such as art, production, sales, marketing, publicity, promotion and advertising, subsidiary rights, contracts . . . but the editor has to make sure that everything that these departments to relevant to his books gets done right. The editor is responsible for making sure things go the way they should for his books. I hope that helps.

K.A.: What about being an editor do you like best? Is it a collaborative experience for you? Are you just looking for a great story? Great writers?

J.F.: I think what I love best is working with writers who tell a great story, and who also write very well. Getting the two together is fabulous. Given a choice of the two, one has to take the great story, but if you get the two, that's just great. And the real satisfaction is having a book really succeed, either critically, commercially, or best of all, both ways. It's especially satisfying to work with a new author and watch them succeed from scratch. I imagine that the feeling I get might be somewhat akin to what a midwife feels after successfully delivering a healthy baby. Different, of course, and physically worlds apart. But satisfying. I love it when one of my books wins an award, or gets a great review; and when they sell well, that's just wonderful.

K.A.: You are also an agent, writer, father, and husband. Do you find that all these roles mesh creatively for you?

J.F.: Do all my roles mesh creatively? Hmmm. The only way I could see that is if I penned a sitcom (which some of my interns have threatened to do, but I'm waiting . . . ).

I'm not much of a writer right now; just don't have the time, nor do I feel the need to write my own fiction when I'm editing so many writers who are as good if not better than I am. I write copy—catalog copy, jacket and cover copy, editorial letters, etc. but that's about it. (And sometimes, fanzines).

Being a husband . . . well, I'm certainly not alone in that, and one does one's best to balance the parts of one's life. I have a job that doesn't end at the end of the business day, but so does my wife, so she tends to understand, especially when I get dinner ready on time.

As for father, I guess once one's a parent, one is always a parent as long as the children are alive. But one is out of the house, the other is almost to college, so it's a lot easier than it was a few years ago.

And I'm not really an agent anymore, except in some special ways for writers I have represented in the past. Mostly, that's over. It's nice being able to do fewer things; I think it's safe to say that I'm doing what I do better now than I have before, just because I have more experience and somewhat fewer demands on my time, though there are times when that's not true just because of things one can't predict—illness, etc.

K.A.: You have also acted as publisher for the prestigious Bluejay Books. What was that experience like? Did you enjoy being publisher?

J.F.: It was no act! I loved it, though it was a very, very stressful time, since we were also having children at the same time as we started the company. I learned a tremendous amount about the aspects of publishing I knew nothing or little about before becoming a publisher. That was exhilarating, and as I said before, editors need to learn to think like publishers, so I did a bunch more of that. It was fun, but very busy fun.

K.A.: I'm interested in how creative people make their way in the world since so many of us "creative types" end up being edge dwellers. You're married to writer Joan Vinge, so your family is really "in" the business. Or "in" the world of creativity. Plus you have children. Most of my writing and artist friends have no children. Have you found it problematic to make a living in this field? Publishing is a precarious business.

J.F.: Oh, life is precarious. And every person is unique, with unique abilities and problems. So it's hard for me to generalize about this. Our fortunes rise and fall at various times, for various reasons. It's never been dull, that's for sure. We've done all right. There have been times when Joan has made a lot more money than me, and at one point, she supported Bluejay Books's overhead with her writing; at other times, I've made more than she has. Between us, we've juggled the demands of growing children, a two-career household, a business, and the everyday business of living for over twenty years, and while it has sometimes been difficult because of one thing or another, I can't say what I would change if I'd had the chance, other than some of the circumstances beyond our control . . . but that's the sort of thing that only works in alternate-history stories, not real life. 0 comments

Monday, February 16, 2004

Interview With James Frenkel Part II 

K.A.: Publishing has changed drastically in the last 10 years. The midlist seems to be dying. Some believe this is because of the Thor Power Tool decision. Others see it as big business "buying up literature." Yet publishing has always been a business. What do you think has changed? Is there any hope for the midlist? Any bright spots on the publishing horizon?

J.F.: Yes, I think the Thor Power Tool decision has certainly had a deleterious effect on the business, especially the backlist business. And there have been many, many other changes, some related to that, and others totally separate. The rise of the big bookselling chains, the emergence of "superstores," the consolidation of wholesalers into just a few giants, these are factors, and they operate in many businesses as well.

But nature abhors a vacuum, and as long as I've been in publishing, I've seen new publishers come in to being and grow into successful businesses even as many cry doom and gloom.

There's no question the business is in some ways tougher than it's ever been, but the essence of good publishing is to find solutions to the problems that face publishers in terms of bringing good books to the public, and with technology and all the tools publishers have, there are lots of opportunities for writers and entrepreneurs. It's always changing, and I think it always will continue to change, and the challenge is to see which changes are the most important and promising ones, and to make them work.

The bright spots, of course, are all the talented writers around. As long as there are good writers creating stories that engage people's interest, publishing will be o.k. We'll find a way to make it work.

K.A.: Now here come some of the tough questions. When I ask my writing friends what questions to ask an editor, you can imagine the response. First and foremost is the question about communication. Publishing is in the business of communication, yet writers often feel as though no one in publishing is actually communicating with them (this includes agents, editors, publishers, etc.). The writers are the ones providing "the product," yet often no one is communicating about what is happening with this "product." Why do so many publishing houses seem to have problems communicating with their writers? (I recently spoke with a lawyer who works in publishing in NY, and she said that most publishers and editors are afraid of writers—they think we're all freaks. I said, "We wouldn't be freaks if someone would just TALK to us.") Do you think you have different experience of publishing since you don't live in New York?

J.F.: The only good reason I know for editors not communicating with writers, and the one that plagues me and just about every other editor I know, is a lack of enough time to do everything when you'd like to do it. And it's always been this way. They say the internet, and email gives you more time . . . well, yes, in a way, but also it sucks up a lot of time. I get at least fifty emails a day, and more than half are business. I would like to answer all of them in timely fashion, but many of them require research, asking questions of others, doing work that is required in order to give a good answer, etc. So it enables me to get more work done . . . but it also takes up a lot of its own time.

I don't know any editors who say or think that writers are all freaks. I'm sure we all have stories about particular writers, particular moments, but in general the editors I know really like their writers, become friends with them, care deeply about them. I say "in general." There are no absolutes in human relations, of course. Some people get along better, some not as well, and it's not a one-way street. It's like meeting someone. You might hit it off really well, or not. . . . or somewhere in between. But I have many writers who I consider real friends, people I'd love to just spend time with and do whenever I can. I think if you don't like the people you work with, you're in the wrong business.

And there's no real difference for me not being in New York. When I'm on the phone I feel as if I am in New York. I'm on the phone a lot, and emailing a lot, and sending memos hither and yon, letters, production materials, etc. so it's not as if I'm not doing what the rest of the people in the company are doing. Of course, there's a longer walk down the hall from my office to the next office, but we do the best we can to keep in close touch, and I go to meetings at least several times a year and often more than that.

K.A.: The other question I got from writers was, "Why do publishers buy a book and then do absolutely no promotion?" I've actually gotten this question from lots of people who aren't in the business, too, which is interesting.

J.F.: There are some publishers, mainly very, very small ones, that do absolutely no promotion for their books. And that's not only criminal, it's also self-defeating for the publisher. I think this probably happens because some of the very small new houses just don't know how to do what they do. But any house that's been around for a while in trade publishing does promotion. It may not be as much promotion as the author wants, but things like catalogs, press releases, bound galleys—these are things we do for every single original book we publish, and that's real promotion. Of course, there are books for which we do much more, and there's a huge range.

It's not something one can guarantee, and it depends on a lot of factors, and I understand how and why authors are frustrated by publishers' efforts if their books aren't getting the promotion they'd like.

The fact is, there are always going to be some books that get a hugely disproportionate amount of promotion, simply because we feel they will sell disproportionately well.

It's a difficult bookselling environment these days, and the
mass-merchandising of books is great for big books, and not so great for smaller, less commercial books, which as a result may or may not get the attention they deserve. Nobody in publishing wants to give a book short shrift, but it does happen. It's never by design, however.

K.A.: And the other most-asked question was, "Why does everything take so long?" To a writer, the entire process seems excruciating, especially when one is trying to make a living.

J.F.: There are various things that make publishing take time. For starters, we start working on the promotion of our books at least ten months, and perhaps as much as fifteen months in advance of publication. We have to prepare for catalogs, and that means trying to get advance quotes and good artwork . . .from there, it's a process of meetings, copy deadlines, production stages . . . we want the books to be done right, and that really does take time.

And again, it's a question of the number of things an editor has to do. No editor is working on just one book at a time. While I'm editing one book, I have a copy deadline coming up on another, have to request a contract for a third, must deal with the copyediting questions on another, the page proof corrections on yet another, the jacket mechanical on another, the mass-market copy and then mechanical for yet another. . . .

Then there's reading submissions one has requested from agents, and then other submissions.

I'm sure I'm leaving out a lot of stuff, but perhaps you get the idea.

K.A.: You are also the creator of the Year's Best Fantasy and Science Fiction series. How did that come into being? What other projects have you helped birth that you are especially proud of?

J.F.: When I was an editor at Dell Books from 1976 to 1981, I was very aware of Judith Merril's Year's Best series from the 50s and 60s. It was a great series, but ended well before I got to Dell.

Lester del Rey had edited a series at Dutton, and I thought it might be good to reprint that annual series in mass-market paperback. By the time I was able to buy one, Gardner Dozois was editing the Dutton series. We reprinted two, I think, and then I left Dell, because they stopped publishing SF and I was laid off.

When I started Bluejay Books I thought it would be terrific to do another series of Year's Best SF, so I asked Gardner if he was interested. Dutton had stopped publishing their series when Dell stopped buying the reprint rights, so Gardner was free.

But I thought that since Bluejay was a trade and not mass-market distributed company. We couldn't do a mass-market book, but we had to compete in the marketplace with mass-market year's Bests, the Wollheim and I think still the Terry Carr at that point (don't quote me—I'm not positive.)

So I thought, if we can't do a mass-market book, perhaps we could grab attention if we do a book bigger than a mass-market publisher can do. Take our disadvantage in distribution and turn it into a unique advantage of size.

At first our distributor, St. Martin's Press, was very discouraged. When we had to decide how many copies to print, there were only about 4000 orders for the trade paperback, and about 400 orders for the hardcover. But we'd done good advertising, and the reviews were just about to start to come in.

I felt that this was a risk we had to take, so we printed twice as many as we had orders for—something one wouldn't normally do. But if we were going to make any money on this at all, we had to do it.

It got rave reviews, and got picked up nicely by the chains, supported by jobbers, and we eventually had to go back to press. And it's just done better every year.

I always think of Ian and Betty Ballantine when I think of that series, because they were never afraid to take a risk if they thought it made sense. Having the courage to take a risk is essential to good business. As long as you don't make it the only thing you do, of course. You've got to really think through something that might be risky; and if you're right, it pays off.

I've been proud of a lot of books; the list is too long to even start right now. Except perhaps for Dr. Adder by K.W. Jeter, which was a book that I wanted to publish at Dell, but which I didn't do because Dell was phasing out their SF. So when I started Bluejay I bought it for Bluejay, and had Matt Howarth do black and white illustrations, got Barclay Shaw to do a pretty cool cover, and then to promote it printed a series of post cards, black and white, each featuring an interior illo. and a Q and A designed to intrigue readers and booksellers. We released the cards one a week for six weeks starting before publication. And we ended up selling about 14,000 trade paperbacks, which was just fine; we sold reprint rights, too. Everyone did well. It was fun because that book had been rejected by a lot of publishers, and we made it work.

K.A.: Is it true that editors no longer read the slush pile?

J.F.: No. I don't read every single thing in the slush, but I do read some; so do my interns, and assistant. SF is one of the few areas where we read slush.

K.A.: What else in publishing do you see as positive these days? Anything you are excited about? Anything I forgot to ask you?

J.F.: I'm very, very excited about Inventing Memory by Anne Harris, which was just picked as a BookSense 76 Selection by the ABA, which means it'll get some additional push from the BookSense program. It's a unique book that really will benefit from the selection. That's really cool.

And I've got a number of books I like a lot coming out in the next months, fantasy like Bonds of Vengeance by the talented Crawford Award-winner David B. Coe, the new Isavalta novel, The Firebird's Vengeance by Sarah Zettel, another very talented writer, the new Amos Walker mystery, Retro by Loren D. Estleman, the new Chris Sinclair novel, Grudge Match by Jay R. Brandon, the reprint in trade paperback of Dreamfall by Joan D. Vinge, a couple of pretty neat new Andromeda tie-ins, and that's just this spring and summer. In the fall, Frederik Pohl's new Gateway novel, The Boy Who Would Live Forever comes out, and that's very, very exciting. And we'll have a trade paperback of The Dark edited by Ellen Datlow, a very cool ghost story anthology that's gotten wonderful reviews and a spectacular cover, new Andre Norton Witch World novel, The Duke's Ballad, reprints of The Solar Queen omnibus, and a new Witch World omnibus as well, Lost Lands of Witch World, which has a terrific introduction by Mercedes Lackey to go with the second three novels in the original series, all marvelously entertaining.

Whoo. I could go on, but I suspect you don't want me to just turn this into an ad for all our books.

K.A.: Thanks, Jim! 0 comments

Sunday, February 15, 2004

I Don't Get It 

Why are so many people against gay marriages? Years from now, historians will look back at this and say what idiots our contemporaries were for treating people so unfairly just because of their sexual orientation. This is what I say: if you don't believe in gay marriages, don't marry someone who is gay. It's the same thing I've said about abortions: if you don't believe in abortions, don't have one.

Had to get that off my chest. 0 comments

Canada is the Bomb 

In a recent poll Canadians said given the chance to vote in the U.S. election, 85% of them would not vote for Bush. (I have to wonder about the other 15%.) Here's a picture of that cover. Wouldn't it be great if only 15% of our population votes for him? 0 comments

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Wish Upon a Star... 

I was hoping—wishing?—to find some amusing stories for you. But it's late, and I'm striking out. Maybe if you're in the right mood, some of the stories on these links will appear to be amusing.

They're starting to sling the mud. Kerry is now being "charged" with having an affair. I don't care who these people are sleeping with as long as it's consensual, they're both "of age," and they haven't been campaigning about how straight and narrow they are. Geez. Americans are such Puritans.

I wish Ann Coulter would have some kind of awakening—or something. How come these right-wing Republican women are so nasty? Their guy is the president of the United States. What are they so pissed off about? Coulter goes after Max Cleland, the former Senator who lost three limbs in Vietnam. She sneers that the accident could have happened anywhere, since he picked up a grenade on his way to go drinking with his buddies. I find all this orgasmic rhetoric about who was the best damn little warrior distasteful myself, but Coulter is just hateful.

Here's Auntie Establishment's column. You might find it entertaining.

You've been reading about the problems with voting machines here and other places. This Congressman is trying to do something about it. Let's cross our fingers. Or wish upon a star...

This is a piece by someone who was cowed into removing a sign from his computer before going through the airport security. It is amazing how our firmly declared beliefs can suddenly slip away when fear takes charge.

I have a story on Alternet.org about librarians and the Patriot Act.

It's pouring down rain here and time for bed. I've been under the weather again, I'm afraid. I'll spare you the details. It's enough to know that I'm really ready to be on the mend. OK? I wish upon the entire freaking Universe to make that wish come true!

Sweet dreams, spinners. 0 comments

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Follow Up on Feds  

Due to nationwide outrage over their actions, the Feds have withdrawn their subpoenas and dropped their investigation of anti-war activists in Iowa (at least publicly).

Oh, by the way, if your neighbor has WMD or you know where missing coalition personnel are, here's the form you fill out to notify the CIA. They will reward you, and they will keep your information strictly confidential. 0 comments

Karma & the State of Our Union 

The east wind is shaking the house and rattling the windows. Makes me want to stay inside where it's nice and warm.

I'm researching Martha Washington. Did you know the first capital of the U.S. was in New York, then in Philadelphia, then in D.C.? Did you know two of Washington's slaves escaped when the family was living in Philadelphia. Oney Judge and Hercules. Mrs. Washington was not a happy camper and apparently wanted her husband to do whatever he could to get Oney back. Washington was reluctant because he didn't want a fuss—didn't want to draw attention to the fact that he owned slaves. Everyone knew it, of course, but he didn't want it spotlighted, if you know what I mean.

I'm writing about Martha Washington. At first, I didn't think I could do it. How can I write about a woman who owned slaves? I didn't want to avoid the subject, but I didn't know how on Earth I could make people care about someone who owned slaves! Because I didn't know how I could care about her. Slavery is a terrible part of this country's history. I think we ignore that fact at our peril. Sometimes I'm not sure we can ever get it right—given the horror of our beginnings. This country was built on the backs of slaves. I think I've come up with a plot which will deal with slavery as part of Martha Washington's life; in fact, it will be the core of the story.

I've researching all the first ladies for a project I'm doing. Someone said, "You should just write about the interesting first ladies." So far I haven't found a single one who is uninteresting. But then, it's difficult to imagine any life as uninteresting.

Speaking of uninteresting, I'm afraid I don't have much news in the news department. I've been busy writing. I did watch the news briefing on Tuesday when the White House released Bush's payroll sheets from when he was in the National Guard. I usually don't get much comfort from watching others in discomfort, but I admit that I giggled gleefully during the whole of that briefing. Scott McClellan was like a deer in headlights. He kept holding up the papers and saying, "The president served. This proves it. It's a shame people keep bringing this issue up." And FINALLY the press wasn't taking it. They went after him. When they replayed it on C-Span I watched it again. I needed the laugh. Here's Michael Moore's take on it.

Arianna Huffington has a nice piece on Alternet.org admonishing the Kerry campaign to "Avoid the Call of the Mild." I'm with her on this. The Democrats have to keep hold of those millions who got excited about Dean. Don't move to the center, Kerry. You'll lose us if you do.

John Ashcroft has got to be stopped. If nothing else, we've got to get Bush out of office so that Ashcroft will be gone. He is now trying to get patient records of women who have had abortions. This Attorney General is determined to take away women's reproductive rights.

OK. I've got to go eat before I lose my appetite.

May you all Walk in Beauty!

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Catherine Creek 

Sunday we drove to Catherine Creek, a small park on the east side of White Salmon in the Gorge. We followed the curves of the highway around the basalt cliffs and the Columbia River to Rowland Lake, where we turned left. I looked up at the blue sky and saw two bald eagles tumbling on the thermals above the lake and cliffs.

We stopped the car and watched. I don't ever want to live in a place without eagles. I never get tired of seeing them. I am always in awe. They are unmistakable. Their white heads and tails set them apart from the turkey vultures which often glide through our skies. The juveniles and subadults don't have the white tail and head yet, but they are still very large, which sets them apart from other raptors.

When we lived in Skamania, ten miles or so from where we live now, I sometimes awakened to the sounds of eagles screaming. It was a wonderful alarm clock. I would stumble out of bed and out onto the deck to watch the eagles soaring, tumbling, fishing. Seeing eagles always fills me with hope. DDT and other toxins nearly wiped them out, but they've come back strong. Every time I see an eagle, I think, yes, survival is possible. We can come back. We can heal.

I'm sure I've told you I dreamed I was an eagle once, stuck in a car. I'm sure I told you a bald eagle dropped down from a tree I was standing next to once and pulled a fish out of the pond a few feet away. She did this noiselessly, without creating a ripple in the water. Her feet were golden. I fell down on the ground in awe.

Bald eagles return to the Columbia River Gorge area in February. These are the first we've seen this season. I don't know if our eagles migrate, although I suspect they join their buds in Alaska, but we don't see them all winter. Usually the swans leave in February, and the eagles return.

We watched the eagles over Rowland Lake until we could no longer see them. Then we continued up the hill toward Catherine Creek. I looked up again. This time two red-tailed hawks flew above the basalt cliffs. I waved at the smaller raptors floating in circles.

We parked up at the entrance to Catherine Creek. The wind rocked the car. Often we can see Mount Hood in the southwest, but today clouds covered it. We bundled up and walked up the hill. Catherine Creek is one of the best places in the Gorge to see wildflowers. Sometimes if the weather is nice, they will start emerging in February. We doubted we would see anything today.

Mario and I usually come here late winter and early spring. By late May or early June, we're done with the place. The wildflowers are gone, the Creek is nearly dried up, and the ticks and poison oak are in "full bloom." Today, the sound of water permeated everything. It was all I heard as it drowned out even the noise of the Gorge winds. Mario and I walked hand in hand down the gravel path.

We have been here many times over the last decade and a half, and the place feels familiar. Although the books all call this area pine-oak woodland, we call it the beginning of high desert. Past here going east, few trees grow. Grass and rattlesnakes mingle with ticks and meadowlarks. As we walked today, we passed by an old corral and the rock arch—at least everyone calls it an arch. It's really just a place on the cliff wall where the stone has given way. Of course, maybe that is what causes the creation of every stone arch.

We went by the old barn. A few years ago I had taken photograph after photograph of that barn. I was fascinated by it. Now I barely glanced at it. I looked up the hill. Someday I'm going to find a trail that is flat and never goes up. I said this outloud apparently, because Mario laughed. We walked up and up. The sound of Catherine Creek grew more distant. I remembered the year the creek flooded: the year all of the Northwest seemed to flood.

In the early part of March 1996, when temperatures rose rapidly and mountain snow melted even more quickly, Catherine Creek surged over her bed, full of herSelf and the vigor of cascading snow melt until she came to the drainage pipe in the earth beneath the the road near where we parked our car today. This tiny little pipe could not contain the now roaring river-sized creek. She slammed into the earthen bridge again and again until she punched out a hole, taking out the pipe, the bridge, and everything else in her way. With a holler of the dee-light of freedom, she plunged down the hill toward the Columbia River. She knocked out the train tracks just before she poured herself into the Big River and the two streams of water merged, like bubbly champagne flowing into deep dark burgundy wine.

They didn’t repair the road for a year or more. During that time, Mario and I often drove here just to walk to the crooked broken edge of the pavement to gaze down into the chasm at the creek—and giggle. Here was proof positive of a slogan I once saw on the wall of a lawyer who specialized in environmental law: Nature bats last.

Thinking about that got me up the hill. We walked carefully over the chunks of lava that made up the path. It would be easy to fall here, easy to break something. At the top of the hill, back up where the nuclear winds tugged at me, pushed me toward the edge, we saw one purple flower huddled up against the ground: the season's first grass widow, part of the Iris family. We watched it shiver and shimmy in the cold wind, then we decided it was time to get ourselves warm. We hurried to the end of the trail and back to our car.

I checked for ticks—it's a little early, but I didn't want to take any chances. And then we drove away. I think we keep coming back to this place because of the memory of the flood. Something about it was so wild, dangerous, and wonderful. We hope to see it again one day.

But for today we were content to see our first wildflower and first bald eagle of the season. Not a bad day out and about.


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Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Spin Cycle 

This will be quick. Mario is making me breakfast—I just heard the toast bing! I'm doing my library order, so no blogging for me today. Except this tiny note. You Spinners might enjoy seeing this piece on Alternet.org. On the Election 2004 page, the story below it is by Gloria Steinem. I got a kick out of that!

This Scott Ritter guy is very interesting. I remember when he disagreed with the president about WMD before the war, the White House tried to spin him as some kind of kook. But he's survived. In this piece, he says Kerry needs to clear the air about his part in the war in Iraq. I agree.

It is a beautiful freezing day here today! If you go to this site and look at the bottom of the state, you'll see a row of "cameras." If you click on the fourth camera from the left, you'll see a view of what I see when I talk about the Gorge cliffs. The view is from the park just a few blocks from my house.

We bought a new washing machine yesterday. About three years ago, the repair man told us the used machine we had bought about a year earlier was about to meet its maker. I think it was a shot ball bearing, or something. It would continue to leak until it flooded; we needed a new washing machine. Well, we couldn't afford a new washing machine, so we've been doing laundry in a flood plain for the last three years. We found a good bargain in the paper this weekend, so we went into the city and bought it. Now the delivery guys are pulling out the old and putting in the new. We've never had a new appliance before—unless you count the numerous toaster ovens we've purchased over the years. When we went to the showroom yesterday, the salesman kept talking to me about what I could do with this washing machine. I was uncomfortable that he assumed because I was the "little woman" that I did the laundry. As it turns out, I do do the laundry. I kept wanting to say, "But my husband cooks and does the dishes." I had to laugh at myself. What difference did it make if some stranger made assumptions about how my family functions? Who cared?

Speaking of little woman, I think I'm gaining back some weight. Knock on wood. I've eaten about five apple pies in a week. Multiple bags of potato chips. Spaghetti. Bananas.

That's enough of my Trivia this morning. Maybe I'll do my library order tomorrow. The sky is so blue. I can hear the train whistle in the distance. Why are trains sometimes so annoying and other times they sound like musical accompaniments to Hank Williams singing, "Hear the lonesome whiperwill. He sounds too blue to fly.The midnight train is whining low. I’m so lonesome I could cry." Isn't that the saddest most beautiful song you've ever heard? But I don't feel sad or lonely today. I'm going to eat my breakfast and wash some clothes.

May you walk in Beauty! 0 comments

Monday, February 09, 2004

Church & State 

Did you see 60 Minutes last night? By the end of one segment, I was terrified. Although I know that Bush and all of his minions are right-wing religious conservatives, I was not aware they were part of that group of religious whackos who believe in the Rapture—you know, Jesus will blow his trumpet and take away all the 'good' people and leave behind the non-believers to experience unimaginable horrors. These are the people who are now in power in our country. I knew Bush was waging a religious war, but I really had NO IDEA. This is scary stuff. There must be a separation of church and state, and Bush is the best example of why. These people are so arrogant. They are certain of their superiority and righteousness! They are no better than all the other right-wing religious nuts, and we must keep them from acquiring any more power than they already have. According to this 60 Minutes piece, Ashcroft is also one of these Rapture disciples—which explains a lot. I've got goosebumps. Can't think of a good spin on this. 0 comments

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Speechless... 

I am at a loss for words. I thought my country would never again allow these kinds of inroads against the civil liberties of her citizens. A federal judge has ordered Drake University to turn over any and all records relating to an anti-war conference held at the university in November 2003. On top of that, the judge has issued a gag order, so the university can't even talk about it! This is all about intimidating those of us who stood up against the war in Iraq. I hope the ACLU plans on stepping in. 0 comments

More Pages of Her Frozen Wild 

I put twenty more pages of Her Frozen Wild on my website. It's gotten quite a lot of hits, so I hope that means people are liking it. I'll try to put up twenty pages a week now instead of every two weeks. I'm also trying to figure out if the site will take a PDF. Of course, I have to figure out how to turn my manuscript into a PDF. It's probably very easy—I just don't know how to do it yet.

Have a great day! 0 comments

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Participating in the Process 

While the talking heads on the 24-hour news channels jabbered on about polls, who’s up and who’s down, and the Iowa rant this Saturday morning, I participated in the Democratic caucus in my small town in Washington state. Something is happening in tiny boroughs and large cities all over this country—and it appears to resemble democracy.

I have lived in four different states since I was old enough to vote, and I have never participated in a caucus or primary. When I registered to vote and the form asked me my political affiliation, I always wrote, “Independent.” But these desperate times require desperate measures. I needed to become part of the “establishment.”

At 9:55 a.m. this morning, I went to the Courtroom Annex two blocks from my house. The building sits between the library and the courtroom, and the caucus was in a relatively small room in the basement. I was pleasantly surprised to enter the room and find it packed with sixty other people. I hadn’t known we had that many Democrats in our conservative rural county. As it turned out, many people attending were like me. They had never registered as Democrats, believing as I had for so many years that there was not an appreciable difference between the two parties. We believed that until George W. Bush came into power.

First thing I had to do was sign a paper saying I was now a Democrat. For an anti-establishment brat from way back, I found this a difficult task. I asked what was going to be done with this information—they could publish it, broadcast it, use it against me one day to say I didn’t really care about the world or else I would have never given in to these establishment tactics! The people behind the counter had no idea what happened to this private information I was giving out. I swallowed my paranoia—temporarily—and signed the form anyway.

I found my precinct table: Maple View. I knew several of the other nine people at the table. We chatted for a while. A few minutes after 10:00 a.m., a woman stood at the front of the room and read the Value Statements of the Democratic Party to us. She asked us to make certain we were at our correct precinct table, and she told us that normally only six to ten people attended this caucus. We all cheered.

None of us at our table had been to a caucus before, so we didn’t know what to do. Fortunately, someone had left a packet of directions on each table. First off we needed a precinct chair. We chose MaryJo (not her real name) as the chair. She picked me as the secretary, saying, “You’re a writer. You should be able to get it right.”

I pointed out that I was a fiction writer. “I like to make things up,” I said, but no one was convinced. I got the job that no one else wanted.

First thing we had to know is who was for which candidate. Six of us wanted Kerry for president, two were for Dean, and two were undecided. I was one of the undecided. When it was time for discussion, I told my fellow Democrats why.

“Dean said he’s thinking of dropping out,” I said. “I don’t think he should. It’s amazing what he and Kucinich have done for the party. They are partially responsible for this amazing turn-out. That and the fact that we all want Bush out of office. I don’t want anyone else to drop out because I don’t know what the Republican party is going to do to Kerry. I want to make certain he can stand up to what they’re going to throw at him.”

Everyone nodded in agreement. We talked about how great Kucinich was. Someone said that Kucinich couldn’t be elected, and he didn’t believe Dean could be elected either. The two Dean supporters said they did not understand “electability.” It was a term coined by the media that meant nothing, they said. A Kerry supporter tried to explain what “electability” meant to him: we needed to chose someone with charisma, someone who was steady. (This was a veiled reference to Dean, we all knew.) The Dean supporter wasn’t buying it, but it was a calm discussion. I loved it. To be in a room with a group of people who could agree to disagree—people who could have a discussion without calling the person disagreeing with them immoral—was exhilarating. We talked about politics with respect for the other speakers. I felt hopeful for the future of our country for the first time in a long while.

As a group, our precinct decided we wanted to send the message that we didn’t want Dean to drop out, so we wanted one of our delegates to be for Dean. Two for Kerry, one for Dean. Once we had decided on this, we went on to discuss the Democratic Value Statements. The very last statement said the Democrats were concerned about the “moral” decline of our society; it went on to say that they were addressing this through “churches, mosques, temples.” We all objected to this wording. We said we wanted separation of church and state. “Moral” was a divisive word. We edited out that particular “value” statement.

We also decided the Value Statements did not say enough about the environment. We wrote our own statement to add to the others. We said that protecting the environment was essential to the health of our communities. A sound economy and a sound environment were twin goals as far as we were concerned for “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

Our precinct chose the delegates for the county convention in April. Then we listened and debated a resolution from another precinct against the war in Iraq. In the end we decided to talk about that resolution and the one on the environment at the county convention.

Our caucus gave Kerry five delegates, Dean three, and Edwards one.

At the end of the process, about noon, feeling buoyed and hopeful, I said good-bye to my precinct-mates. I walked next door to the library to see my husband. He told me other people had come and talked to him about their caucus experiences. They were feeling the same as I was: hopeful. We had participated in something that actually felt democratic. We had had a say.

I wondered where people I saw in the caucus room had been all these years as I had tried to work on environmental issues in the county. They may have been wondering about where I had been, too, while some of them tried to get the Democratic party going. Although I have done peace and environmental work most of my adult life, I have never been involved in the electoral process—beyond voting. One year, Mario and I had gone up to Olympia to talk with our legislative representatives about environmental issues. One rep talked with us, but did not agree with anything we said. Two just didn’t show up for our appointments. (All three were Republicans.) On the whole, it had been a discouraging wasteful trip.

For most of my adult life, I figured the Democrats were just a bunch of good ole boys and girls who had compromised themselves right into becoming Republicans. Let’s face it, Clinton took the wind out of a lot of our sails. I was hopeful when he took office. I was so excited. Then one of the first things he did was back down on the gays in the military issue and came up with that awful “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

So I didn’t sully my hands—my being—with party politics. Today as I looked around that caucus room I realized that, yes, the Democrats could be good ole boys and girls intent on doing nothing, or they could be us--these people sitting in the room talking about protecting the environment, self determination for the people of Iraq, setting up fair elections here in the U.S., keeping jobs from being exported, and finding solutions to the health care problem were like-minded people trying to find a way to create again the country they had once loved.

Today I debated politics in a room filled with people who wanted many of the things I wanted. And there are rooms like that one all over the country. Today I felt that a revolution is brewing—a new democracy is taking shape: one in which we actually participate! I felt as though I were part of a community again, and this is necessary: we must get beyond our differences and come together as communities to take back our country.

Everyone in that caucus room in my small county was united in one desire: to find a Democratic candidate who can defeat Bush in November. There was also sad agreement that Bush has been the worst U.S. president in history for this country—and the planet. We fear for the survival of our republic.

For a long while many of us have wondered why the Democrats haven’t stood up and fought against this regime. Where were they? Today I think I found some of them in that basement room. They is us.

Isn’t there some old New Age saying about this? We can become the Democrats we’ve been waiting for.
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Friday, February 06, 2004

Weighing In 

It's pouring down rain. We're watching a bunch of movies. Woke up this morning from one of the best dreams I've ever had. In the dream I couldn't find my little girl (I don't have children). I searched and searched. Finally, I saw her shadow in a window. I got closer and I saw her. I called her name: "Kim!" She looked at me with the happiest grin I had ever seen. I knew she was happy to see me from the top of her head to the tip of her toes. We ran toward each other. No one could stop us. We embraced and fell to the ground and wouldn't let go of one another. She was a big little girl—she had meat on her bones. It felt great. I don't think I've ever had such a wonderful dream. I know it's often boring to hear people's dreams, but there you go.

After we got the movies, we went to a department store and found some bathroom scales. I weighed myself. 92.7 lbs. Scary shit. I usually weigh between 100-110 lbs., I think. Anyway, I've got to start bulking up. I ate a bag of potato chips on the way home, but they just made me sick to my stomach. Maybe Mario will make me another apple pie.

If I'm up to it tomorrow, I hope to go to the Democratic caucus. I'll let you know how it goes. As we were heading home from town today, Mario said he felt like our country had been hijacked. Like someone had walked into the cockpit with guns and now we were all headed in another direction—the wrong direction.

I said it was true, but I think we let it happened. We all thought a democracy (or republic) just went on by itself. But it's not true. People have to be involved—all different kinds of people. Otherwise, Bush happens.

Here's an interesting article about CBS and their hypocrisy. They protest the Janet Jackson exposure yet their ads during the SuperBowl were demeaning to women and children. To put it mildly.

Howard Dean is talking about quitting the race. I don't think he should quit. I don't understand what happened—he seemed to just give up. But he was also "disappeared" by the media, according to this article. And I agree. First they played that speech after the Iowa caucuses over and over and over. Then he was gone. Poof! Kind of scary.

Scott Ritter, former weapons inspector, reminds us in this piece that not everyone got it wrong about WMD, including Ritter. He also talks about the "theocracy of evil" in this piece. People in charge based their conclusions about whether Iraq had WMD or not on whether Saddam Hussein was evil or not: he was evil, therefore, he had WMD.

Speaking of theocracy, in case you've forgotten that Bush and his disciples are on a mission from God, check out this article.

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Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Becoming Human 

Last night I wanted fish stew. We had been vegetarians for many years, so we didn’t have any books on how to cook fish stew. Mario said he could figure it out. He cut up two potatoes, two carrots, one onion, and several celery stalks—including the leaves—and threw them all into boiling water. I tossed in four garlic for good measure.

After the stew had brewed a while, Mario cut up a fillet of wild Alaskan halibut and added the pieces to the soup. I was grateful to the halibut for its life and said so. Halibut were called “haly-butte” in Middle English: “haly” for holy and “butte” for flat fish. (It was eaten on holy days.) The halibut has both eyes on top of its body. If you’ve seen one, that particular characteristic is rather disconcerting. The fish is a bottom feeder and has been known to live up to 47 years. One halibut caught in Alaska weighed 495 pounds. In Kwagiulth myth, Halibut threw off its skin and came ashore, becoming the first human.

A shapeshifter, the halibut. I liked shapeshifters. I liked the idea that we can change who we are. I’m not certain I really believe we can, but I like the idea of it.

Mario and I ate our holy flatfish stew while we watched the DVD of Under the Tuscan Sun.

“So this was where you were born,” I said.

Mario nodded. Not in Tuscan but in Italy. Cava de Tirreni, Italia. Mario doesn’t really care one way or another where he was born. He was born, that was enough. I visited Italy once when I was eighteen and backpacking across Europe with a friend. I remember the sound of the lift that took us up to our room in Rome; the men always touching me, following me, pulling at me; and my utter surprise standing in front of the Coliseum, this ruin I had seen in photographs all my life just there, a part of the busy metropolitan city, tiny loud cars swirling around it, modern chariots trying to find a way in. All of Rome was like that, ruins suddenly turning up in modern neighborhoods. The old and new mixing. But the ancient held court, the ancient created the mood, and the ancient told the stories. And everywhere, always, people smiled and called, “Ciao!”

Mario and I liked Under the Tuscan Sun. I had read reviews about it, and all were snotty: a chick-flick, predictable, difficult to watch. Why is something “less than” because it is about relationships, because no one carries a gun, because no one is raped, murdered, or even threatened? Critics often cream over movies where the director has found even more ways to show murder and mayhem (read reviews about Quentin Tarantino, for instance).

In the movie, our hera is dumped by her husband. She goes to Tuscan and buys a house. The movie is about her relationship with various people in the community—and herself. In the end, she concludes that “incredibly wonderful things can happen.” I liked the fantasy of that idea. And I enjoy movies where the main character becomes part of a community, like in Chocolat.

All of my adult life I have been searching for community, for a place to call home. I haven’t found it. I’ve tried to create it. But it has not worked. People in “real” life don’t act like people in “reel” life. I often wonder if Americans have any sense of community at all. When I was a girl, my father invited friends and relatives over for celebrations and gatherings at certain times of the year. When he stopped doing this, no one else picked up and carried on.

Now in my own little town, I created wonderful celebrations for years and years. But at the end of each gathering, it was the end of each one: it was like the end of a party. Nothing else happened. No sense of community or friendship carried over to the next day. No invitations were extended to us. When I stopped creating the celebrations, no one else carried on. Or if they did, they did not invite us.

Mario and I have our community of two. I could probably live the rest of my life with him as my primary community. But that seems wrong thinking, or something. Aren’t we pack animals? Don’t we need our packs? I supposed that was why I wrote my novels. I created the community I needed in each of them.

Anyway, I enjoyed the movie and sobbed through the end of it. I enjoyed watching the hera—a writer—change from someone who is so wounded to someone who is truly herself. She is able to take off her wound—or heal it—and step beyond it. Like the halibut, I supposed, she was a shapeshifter.

I am not sure in “real” life if people can change. I realize that is a bitter assessment. I have not seen it often happen. Even changing or stopping one small bad habit seems impossible sometimes, so how can one change her entire being? But tonight, watching this movie next to my sweetheart, I was hopeful. Good movies and books can do that. Give you hope. Inspire you. Build you up. Sometimes I wonder if my generation is disappointed in our lives because we grew up on movies which gave us unrealistic expectations of our lives.

Not much I can do about that now.

I'll continue to try and build relationships, find community, and I’ll continue to watch unrealistic movies about people building relationships and finding community. Maybe tomorrow night, we’ll watch Chocolat.
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Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Seeing Shadows...And Blurry Boobs 

Here's a sometimes amusing and biting piece from Alternet about the latest "rash" of Cheney sightings.

I think it's tacky and cruel that Bush and his administration are playing politics with the 9/11 investigation. The commission wants two more months and the admin says no. They're afraid of bad news, I guess, so close to the election. I don't understand: they've been blaming 9/11 on the Clinton administration for so long, why are they worried?

I've been thinking about 9/11 more and more lately. Not sure why. I keep wondering how many people didn't go to work that day, because of illness, oversleeping, a fight with a spouse. I want to know about those people. Did they have a dream? An intuition? Not me. When I woke up that morning, I felt better than I had in years. I smiled when I awakened. I stretched. A voice said, "Everything is going to be all right." Then I checked my phone for messages, and I had four even though it wasn't even nine in the morning. I thought someone had died. And of course, someone had, but not in my family. I turned on the television and screamed. That was the last morning I awakened with a feeling of calm, that was the last morning I thought everything would be all right. Since then, all I can think about is death. And lately, I want to know who survived that particular tragedy. Not the people who were actually in the towers that day. But those who didn't go to work. How did you make it? How can you stand the miracle that you survived?

As you've heard, the main Weapons of Mass Destruction guy said there ain't no WMD in Iraq and there never was. He blames the CIA. Uh-huh. Giving in to pressure, Bush has agreed to investigate the matter—but he gets to pick who investigates. That sounds fair. NOT. Blair is having the same problemo. You gotta feel sorry for this guy. Why on Earth did he attach himself to Bush's star? Writer Harley Sorensen argues that liberals do not automatically HATE Republican presidents—we may oppose them, but we don't hate them. However, Dubya is an entirely different case: "he earned our hate."

SuperBowl's Blurry Boob: I wasn't going to say anything about this because (1) it's too stupid for words, (2) I'm ashamed I even know about it, (3) it's too stupid for words. But I will just say this and that's it. All this fuss about someone's breast is amazing. And for CBS to claim foul is really foul. (This reminds me of Casablanca when Captain Renault says, "I'm shocked, shocked, to find that gambling is going on in here.") I didn't watch the SuperBowl, but CBS kept saying all week that their ads were geared for men and they were all about sex, sex, sex. In this essay, a SuperBowl watcher talks about how he explained the "boob" to his daughter. And how, kind sir, did you explain all the scantily clad women throughout the show? How did you explain the male enhancement commercials to your daughter? But I agree that all this fuss makes it seem even more ridiculous that CBS refused to run MoveOn.org's ad.

So let's move on...and concentrate on getting the real boob out of the White House. 0 comments

Still Life, With Colors 

Mario stood at the kitchen counter pressing dough into the bottom and sides of a glass pie plate, dough made from organic oat flour, olive oil, and water. His long fingers gently made the uncooked crust conform to the shape of the pie plate without coming apart. I admired his patience.

I rubbed his back and looked up above our heads. The Kitchen Witch rode her broom about six inches from Mario's skull, moving in a circle, catching some kind of kitchen-ceiling thermals, I supposed. The Kitchen Witch had been with me longer than Mario, a gift from a college friend. I hadn't known what a Kitchen Witch was then—a customary European gift to someone moving to a new home the card said—but I loved the idea of her blessing my kitchen. Now I loved the idea that she had ridden the thermals in every kitchen in every house or apartment Mario and I had ever lived in.

Mario moved over, and I came to stand by him at the counter. I peeled two Granny Smith apples and two Braeburns. When I finished peeling one, I passed it to Mario and he sliced it directly into the now crusty pie plate.

This pie was medicinal. My flu-upset digestive system seemed to react well to cooked apples, so Mario decided to make me another pie. (He had made one last night.) The pie consisted of four ingredients: apples, oat flour, olive oil, and water.

Botanists now believed the apple originated in Kazakhstan where thousands of acres of wild apple trees still grow. These trees are disease-resistant and have never been touched by pesticides. A multitude of sizes, colors, and varieties of apples grow on these trees. You could pluck an apple the size (and color) of a pumpkin from one of these trees. I would love to be in that forest and see cinnamon-colored apples the size of cherries, or cherry-colored apples the size of oranges. Wouldn't it be absolutely marvelous to stand in that wild Nature-nurtured orchard that is thousands of years old?

It was from seed from those mother stands in Kazakhstan that my beloved McIntosh apple sprang. One day, some clear-cutting Canadian from Ontario spared an apple sapling from his maniacal chain saw massacre (OK, this was before chain saws). He dug it up and took it home. Eventually those little Mac gems that blend sweetness and tartness so succulently grew from the tree that sapling became. The guy named the apples after himself. 1811.

Mario put the top crust on the pie, then slid it into the oven. I measured out a cup of quinoa, poured that into a colander, then rinsed it all under cold water. Quinoa (keen-wah) was another thing my body appeared to be at peace with these days. I had only had quinoa a few times before these last two weeks. Then suddenly I craved it. Considered sacred by the Andeans, it was called the "mother grain." Naturally, this designation bothered the Spanish, so they did their best to wipe out quinoa during their conquest. Only small patches of it survived in the Andean high plains. In the wild it is red, pink, orange, lavender, purple, yellow, green, black, white: just like the apples! These tiny beads I put in my saucepan to cook are all yellow. (What was it about marketeers—or whatever they're called—that made them think we wanted everything to look exactly alike? To have only one color. The love of mono culture?)

Mario and I talked quietly as we worked, or were completely silent. I liked these moments in the terrain of the Kitchen Witch. I felt healthy and normal. Only minutes before I had felt the stress and tension rising as the TV blared news about some hazardous substance found in the Senate building. I do not read during illness and instead rest in front of the TV—a peculiar pacifier remembered from childhood—and watching it for so many hours during so many days has frazzled my already fragile nervous system. It was time for silence and thoughts about color and substance.

I tossed bright green peas into the quinoa when it was almost ready. Mario steamed broccoli, carrots, and what was left of rainbow chard. Then we went into the living room to eat, soothing meditative music on in the background. I ate slowly. Mario was finished in seconds. Our eating habits were so different.

I functioned best if I ate every two to three hours, small meals. Mario liked big meals, two or three times a day. When I ate raisins, for instance, I ate them one at a time. Same with potato chips. Mario ate raisins by the handful. Same with chips. Mario does not savor. Mario eats. I savored. Or I stalled. Whatever your viewpoint was. Tonight I was stalling. As healing and nourishing as everything on my plate was, my body still wasn't sure it wanted any food. I kept asking Mario if I had eaten enough—since I felt absolutely full. He'd glance at my plate and encourage me to take a little more, all the while reading to me to distract me from the process of eating.

Mario read me parts of a new book that had come in the mail today about mythology around the planet. One story was about star-crossed lovers from Japan who were grateful when the woman's father finally allowed them to be together for one day a year. I looked at Mario and imagined being with him only one day a year. I didn't think so. Although if we did have only one day, how would we spend it? Being ordinary, I thought. When you can't be mundane, when life doesn't feel ordinary, that is what you most long for. So we would spend a trivial day together, honoring the Goddess Trivia, of course. Perhaps we would bake a pie together.

Next Mario read the history of Maui, the Polynesian trickster god who had an island named after him. He had 1,000 tricks up his sleeve—although I doubted he actually had a sleeve. He was something of a goofball. (I say that respectfully, Maui.) He was tossed into the sea, wrapped in his mother's hair, soon after birth because she thought he was dead. He recovered, however, and spent a lifetime assisting humans. He brought them fire. He made the sun move more slowly so humans would have more time to cook.

I wondered if he was the god of our particular feast tonight.

Maui eventually ran out of tricks when he tried to become immortal by crawling into the goddess of death's vulva and trying to come out her mouth or nose. (Apparently he didn't know much about anatomy.) She woke up and crushed him to death. Not at all happy with this thing crawling up her vulva, the death goddess condemned humans to forever be mortals. Good going there, Maui.

Later, I got out my Hawaiian divination source, the Mana Cards sent to me by my dear friend Kevin, and look up Maui. The description said he was a trickster, but he was also a planner. He extorted us to get up and play. "The Hawaiians had a whole season, makahiki, devoted to play," Catherine Kalama Becker wrote in the text. Wow. I can barely imagine that. A whole season? Maybe I could try a day. A week?

Mario and I made a date to eat the apple pie later. I am looking forward to sitting on the couch next to my husband, eating fruit that still grows absolutely wild in Kazakhstan. I know the first bite will be so sweet. Unless the Trickster Maui spirit has decided to mess it up. Sometimes I feel as though I am plagued with Trickster energy. I will decide one thing and another thing will happen that absolutely stands in the way of the first decision. I will decide that I am going to get healthy once and for all, that I am going to celebrate my life no matter what, that I am going to find joy in everything, and then I get the worst flu I have had since I was a child. That's not funny. I don't care what anyone says. I didn't feel joyful about any of it.

Variety is the spice of life they say. I don't know. I'm ready for some good old sameness: emphasis on the "good." I want good health for me and my sweetheart, some prosperity, happiness. Rhythm.

Despite my love of the ordinary and mundane, the longing for those still silent spaces where I can pretend my life is as I once imagined it, I am enveloped and nourished by the spice and variety of other cultures and places, and I am always pleased by this. So tonight I will listen to colorful Polynesian stories of Maui as my body finds nutrients in rainbow-colored grain from the Andes, and soon, curled up on the couch next to my husband, I will consume a bit of the wild—those colored jewels of Mother Apple, offspring of the wild forest apples of Kazakhstan. 0 comments

Monday, February 02, 2004

Blue Imbolc  

Awakened early Sunday morning from a nightmare about Mario. "Are you all right?" I whisper, touching his warm back. "I'm fine," he says from his sleep. "I'm sorry you had a nightmare." I keep my hand on his back while I drift back to sleep. My hand moves up and down with my husband's gentle breathing, and he is a life buoy, as always, taking me safely—when he can—through the waters of my storm-tossed life.

Later in the morning the sun comes out. It has been so many days since we have seen it that we sit blinking in wonder. A patch of blue opens above the snow-powdered gorge cliffs across the river. We know, almost without agreeing to it outloud, where we will go, and soon we are travelling north, toward the forest. If we kept going, we would eventually reach the south side of Mt. Saint Helens (or Loo Wit), but that is not our goal this morning.

We are headed for Falling Creek in the midst of the Giff. We used to go to Falling Creek nearly every week, sometimes twice a week. Together Mario and I would hike the trail up and up and up to the end where a stunning waterfall awaited. It was a pilgrimage, each of these trips down the trail. It was a sacred walk to a sacred place where land met water and water met land, and they all came together amongst the Wild. Were the Wild. And we were privileged to experience them each and every time we made it to the end of that trail. Which didn't always happen. I could not always make it to the end. Nearly every time on that trail a point would come where I was certain I would die there. I could not breathe. Or I was so dizzy I would tumble to my death. Something. Most of the time I was able to catch my breath again. Sometimes I could not, and we turned back.

So this sunny morning, we drive north, the road taking us up, the bare trees gradually changing to snow-covered ones. We park near the road to the Falling Creek trail, but it is buried in so many feet of snow that we cannot even walk on the road. Instead, we walk on the road we have just driven up, standing in the sunlight on the snowy blacktop, listening to the creek overflowing its bank as it cascades down to the next intersection of creeks or rivers, until it makes its way to the Big River, the Columbia River. I am still shaky from my flu, so I move slowly and don't wander far from Mario.

The snow melts from the pines trees, falling from the branches, revealing the bright green boughs suddenly, becoming a cross between snow and rain as it quietly comes to rest on the forest floor. We see tracks of birds, people, dogs, and deer. We stare into the forest and wonder if bear, cougar, deer, or elk watch us today. I feel elk. I don't see them, but I feel their big moosey presence. Which I like. A raven flies between the trees, calling out in a strange hollow voice. Mario and I look at each other. "What is she saying?"

I still remember my nightmare, so I stay close to Mario, determined to keep him safe. He does not make fun of my fears, but he is not captured by them, not like I am. We hold hands and listen to the forest, watch the steam rise from it all, as the sun warms even the Wild. I know there is nowhere else I would rather be in this moment than holding my husband's hand on this curve of the road in the middle of the forest within shouting distance of Loo Wit.

Later, we walk down another road, looking at the blue in the berms of snow made by the snow-plow. We wonder where that color of blue comes from? It is watery, cool, milky. I stand alongside Mario as he snaps photographs of the blue. It will be his blue series, I say. It has been a long time since Mario has taken photos. Today he is excited by the snow, sun, and blue.

Something about blue. I have a character named Blue I haven't written about yet, even though I have imagined her entire life in my mind. She is so blond she is almost white, her eyes bluer than an August Louisiana sky. I painted my room blue when I was a girl. My eyes are blue. I don't like eating off blue plates; they're depressing. Sometimes I get the blues so bad, I don't remember any other color except gray. The blue of a New Mexico sky was created accidentally by a great artist one feverish morning as she stirred in this and sprinkled in that; she so loved this new color of blue she splashed it across the sky for all to see. But this grand gesture used the blue all up, and she did not remember how she had created it in the first place. Her name must have been Coyote.

Sometimes in the darkness of our room when Mario holds me in his arms or I hold him in mine, I am comforted by a blueness that can only be seen in the corners or the room from the corner of my eyes. It's not a blueness that says all will be well—but all is well enough for now. Mario has that same blue in his eyes. He doesn't even know his eyes are blue. On his license it says his eyes are brown. I laughed when I saw that. How can someone not know the color of their own eyes? I thought that was utterly charming. I hoped he was never stopped by a cop who noticed the discrepancy.

I like being in the woods with Mario. (I like being anywhere with Mario.) He experiences the Wild differently than most people. He stands in one spot, takes it all in, lets it flow through him, then moves on. Sometimes his process even gets me to slow down. Today, I am already slow.

When Mario is finished taking photographs, we drive home. Yesterdays snow has melted, leaving behind several feet of old snow, but clearing the roads. As we drive south again, I lean my head against Mario's shoulder and watch the Gorge cliffs get closer and the patch of blue sky grow bigger as the sun starts to go down.

In the Pagan Wheel of the Year, today is Brigit or Imbolc, a time of quickening before the birth of spring. Traditionally, this is when one commits to a certain course—a way of being in the world, a spirituality, dedication to a craft. I have dedicated myself to many things over the course of the years on this day: creativity, wholeness, the cosmic flow. This year I want to dedicate my life to something grand. Yet I am not up for big plans or commitments. I want to live. I want to breathe. I want to love.

I can commit to that. I glance up at Mario as he drives us home. I can see his blue eyes he calls brown and smile. The car feels all charged up and comfy. Relaxed and calm with the rhythm of the road. I close my eyes. Blue, blue love. Yes. I dedicate myself to blue, blue love.

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