The Furious Spinner

I recently made the acquaintance of a woman who wants to be known as Ms. Broad. Although we don't agree on everything, she has a rather unique way of looking at the world that I thought you might enjoy. She has an opinion on everything from politics to proper etiquette. (She has said she has absolutely no opinion on the designated hitter rule, but I haven't pressed her on it.) If you have questions for Ms. Broad, send them to me, and I'll forward them to her. Enjoy!

Q. Everyone tells me I'm lazy. I think I'm just relaxed. Can you tell me how I can really put my nose to the grindstone?
A. Why would you want to do that? You could lose a nose that way.

Q. What's the proper way to eat peas: with a fork or a spoon?
A. Depends on which one can hold up their end of the conversation best.

Q. Why aren't you supposed to wear white after Labor Day?
A. OK, I give up. Is this a knock knock joke?

Q. I've been invited to dinner at a friend's house. What's an appropriate gift to bring?
A. Well, it depends upon the setting. If you're going to a trailer park, bring malt liquor. If you're going to the suburbs, bring white or red wine, depending upon what kind of dish your host is serving. If you're going up up town, bring champagne. If you're going to the White House, again malt liquor. And if your friends are not drinkers, tell them the liquor, wine, or champagne is really a non-alcoholic beverage. After they've had a few glasses, they'll never know the difference.

Q. I just got an invitation to a friend's wedding. What does R.S.V.P. mean?
A. Don't you even know the initials of your own friend? Geez.

Q. What has happened to civil discourse in our country?
A. It went the way of the pony express, you idiot.

Q. Dear Ms. Broad, what is your favorite wine?
A. 'My dress is too tight.' No, just kidding. Now what was the question?

Q. I really want to get a tattoo. What design would you suggest I get?
A. One with the letters I A M A N I D I O T. They don't wash off, you know. At least so far.

Q. Is it all right to have a fourth helping of turkey on Thanksgiving?
A. If you haven't thrown up yet, I'd say no. If you have, go for it. If you're a vegetarian, I'd say your third helping was one too many.

Q. Why are there no good candidates running for office?
A. Who says? I've seen plenty of people out jogging before they go to work. America is shaping up.

Q. Can I really go blind if I stare directly at a solar eclipse?
A. I don't know. Try it and get back to me.
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